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Hinted 8c PublisliecL hj J. M . Gntcli . 

1826. 



. I 

1 1 



FELIX FARLEY, 

IiATIN AND ENGLISH, 



THEMANINTPEMOON. 



T 



BRISTOL : 
PRINTED AND PUBLISHED BY J. M. GUTCH, 
AT THE OFFICE OF FELIX FARLEY'S BRISTOL JOURNAL. 
MDCCCXXVI, 






\* 



PREFACE BIT THE EDITOR. 

The following Latin Verses appeared at inter- 
vals in the columns of Felix Farley's Bristol 
Journal ; — they were afterwards enlarged and 
translated by the Author, and at the request of 
numerous Readers of that Paper, they are now 
collected, and with the addition of a few Notes, 
explanatory of some local names and circumstan- 
ces, together with some pictorial sketches from the 
pencil of aBristol Artist, it is presumed the interest 
of the present Volume will extend beyond the 
district, where its contents engaged no small share 
of the public attention. 



Felix Farley's Journal Office, 
Bristol. 
1st May 1326. 



PREFACES BIT THS ATOIOE. 



" But in the mean time, said the Caliph, I shall be pos- 
sibly disgusted by a crowd of smatterers ; who will come 
to the trial, as much for the pleasure of retailing their own 
jargon, as from the hopes of gaining reward. To avoid 
this evil, it will be proper to add, that I will put every 
Candidate to death, who shall fail to give satisfaction ; for 
thank Heaven ! I have skill enough to distinguish between 
one that translates and one that invents." 



O for the Caliph Vathek's authority to execute 
vengeance upon my translator.* He has turned all 
my sugared words into vinegar and gall, by the 
heat of his own temper, and palmed upon me the 
most malicious inventions. Thus have I been 

* Vide Bristol Gazette. 



VI 

compelled to be my own interpreter. " None but 
myself can be my parallel." Benevolence is the 
very essence of my rhymes. Gentle Citizens, sweet 
Readers, I present you with a pure draught from 
the delicious fountain of the Muses. Taste, quaff, 
be thoroughly satisfied of its virtues. I will ven- 
ture the recommendation of his whisky by the 
Hibernian Host, and offer liberally to defray the 
funeral expences of all who may die of taking it. I 
will only add this salutary caution, that you may 
not be imposed upon by any spurious deleterious 
mixture. Observe, none is genuine that has not my 
own signature ; to forge which is felony. 



THEMANINTHEMOON. 



DEDICATION. 

Three days, three nights, and forty-five minutes 
have I been pondering my dedication in vain. 
Wherever I turned, insurmountable difficulties 
presented themselves. Alas ! the Great Men of my 
native city have so bepadded and becushioned, 
and have so intrenched themselves within the bar- 
ricado of sugar hogsheads and molassus, that they 
are altogether inaccessible, excepting one ; and his 
ear has so delicate and modest a sense, that praise 
of any sort offends it. Innumerable would-be- 
great have presented themselves, gay and gorgeous, 
but upon winding off the exterior glossy tegument, 
I found them but grubs. How many figures, all 
exact resemblances, did I industriously model and 
re-model, and stick upon my table before me, make 
my obeisance to them, and then in disgust roll up my 
dough and fling them all in the fire. I next tried 



Vlll 



their congregated merits, and resolved to frame an 
Universal Dedication ; and having heard many a 
prefatory adulation in a certain Chapel, I eagerly 
adopted that style, which I had ever observed to 
afford so much complacency and satisfaction to all 
concerned. I had already rung the usual laudatory 
changes of the more particularlys and more espe- 
ciallys; had worshipped most particularly the most 
worshipful the Mayor and Corporation of this city ; 
had magnified liberality which I never had expe- 
rienced, and bounty I had never known. I had more 
especiallied the unanimity and pious co-operation 
of the Reverend and learned the Clergy, and more 
particularly the Right Reverend the Lord Bishop of 
this, but resident in another Diocese, Sheriffs, Law 
Officers, Javelin-men, Chamberlain, Constables, 
Petty-Constables, Churchwardens of the several 
parishes, Commonalty and Commonality, all in their 
respective stations, were magnified, exalted, and 
lauded to their best wishes — when conscience in- 
dignantly seized my pen, and drew it across the 
sublimest of Dedications. I was now once more 



upon the search, and in a lucky moment discovered 
an Individual whom (meriting my own) I could 
safely offer to the love and admiration of my 
fellow-citizens— 

ONE WHOSE AMBITION 

HAS EVER BEEN 

TO PROMOTE 

THE BEST INTERESTS OF 

HIS NATIVE CITY ; 

WHOM THE PRESENT GENERATION 

MAY ESTEEM AND ADMIRE, 

AND POSTERITY REGARD 

AS THEIR GREATEST BENEFACTOR— 

—MYSELF— 

THEMANINTHEMOON. 



The Author has requested us to insert the following Corrigenda* 






Page 4, line 13, insert a comma after bovile. 
9, — 7, for grandum read gradum. 
11, ——12, for pungas read pugnas. 

13, 14, for civis read cives. 

15, — 1, for facientis read faciente9* 

— 10, dele comma after manibus> 

Yl, 10, insert a comma after pocula* 

20, 5, insert a comma after Rhombi. 

6, for Ceti read Cete. 

22,—— 8, for ungem read iinguem: 

31, 5, for pietores read pictores. 

. 8, dele comma after funus. 

■ 16, for urterque read uterque. 
33, — 20, for delicto, read delicata* 

39, 1, for conquerentum read conquerentem. 

40, — 4, insert comma after fallentis. 

46, 8, dele comn.a after animosum* 

11, for cultem read cu'tum. 

47, 18, for edito read editio. 

48, 2, for pucros read pueros 

— . 3, for letteras read litteras: 

— 22, insert comma after irascimini. 
49 — • 9, insert comma after Jidiculis. 



Page 53 t line 7, for afield read afield. 

60, in the note, for quassa read quassas. 

70, line 15, dele apostrophe after artists. 

81, 15, for things read thing. 

90, 23, for You've Holmes's read, You have the Holmes's. 

98, 14, for cards read cares. 

108, 19, for flocks were folded read flock was folded. 

Ill, 22, for his read is. 

112, 22, insert comma after win. 

114, _ 4, for even read ever. 

120, 25, for sole read sour. 

125, — 12, for of God read from God. 

—13, for wealth read health. 

127, — 22, for these read their. 



PAUCA MEI IN LAUDES IPSIUS PROLOGUS OFFERT. 



Mittitur, Felix, tibi mult a Rima; 
Accipe et nulla vitiata lima, 
Divitum vel quae recites opima 
Carmina mensis. 

Sapphicum me nee tibi comparari 
Southe, nee vel te pudet cemulari, 
Sive mavis Laurifer, an vocari 
Bristoliensis. 



Felix, qui potuisti rerum 
Causas cognoscere, (nam verum 
Dicatur hoc Virgiliano 
Carmine sine salis grano :) 
O Felix, ter quarterque Felix, 
His Uteris salutem — me vix 
Urbanos audientem mores 
Rusticum inter rusticiores 
Non dicam frigide beatum 



Nee laudo miserum Cincinnatum 

Qui fulget purpura, beatus, 
Et sindone qui cingit latus 
Sancto; pedum pastorale 
Laudo, si sit Episcopale, 
Non illud rusticum trabale. 

Quorsum Poeta? tot, de rebus 
Rusticis, (quasi esset Phoebus 
Incultus nil nisi bubulcus, 
Musarum sedes, humilis sulcus,) 
Carmina balbutire solent, 
Quae porcos, oves, hircos, olent; 
Ovile boves et bovile 
Omnia (vae ! sufFundor bile) 
Desinentia in vile. 

Me ta?det ruris, miror ista 
Quae dixit optime Psalmista. 
" Quid non ignorat, vel quid sapit 
Is cujus sermo boves capit." 
Fodere terram mi videtur 
Infrd dig.— telluri detur 
Corpus hoc, non ante diem 



! 



Terrae praegravatus siem. 
u Beatus procul a negotiis" 
Et caetera qui dixit, otiis 
Et gratis fruebatur sociis. 
Urbe morantes quot et quales 
Lepidissimos sodales 
Reliqui! qu&is candidiores 
Non terra tulit aniraas, flores. 
O quae noctes! o qui dies! 
Quae jucunditas et quies 
Quae colloquia, quot amaenae 
Quae consociales caenae ! 
Quo cursitabant tot lepores 
Leporibus vel velociores. 
Vidisset nos jucundiores 
Quam fueramus nocte, rores 
Sobrios ducens Lux diei 
Prima ni cortinas ei 
Objecissemus, memores dicti 
Miltonii — "Nihil est delicti 
Intra sanctae noctis limen ; 
Peccatum facit Sol, et crimen." 



i 



Jam teneor rure, sic palantes 

a2 



Anirase gemunt peramantes 

Ripae ulterioris, stantes 

Ad Cymbam Stygii Charontis, 

Undasque picei Acherontis ; 

Si locum memini Maronis— 

Sic Hyperborese regionis — ■ 

Obruti gelu, rigescentes 

Peribant Galli reminiscentes 

Camporum vel Elysiorum 

Lutetiae Parisiorum. 

Maritus quivis vel amator 

Sic Dolobrunae speculatur 

Fluctus, morante jam puelli 

Vel uxore, quam procella 

In portu Caletensis orae 

Detinet ulteriore. 

Sic cives, lachrimosius istis, 

Gratiosissimam vidistis 

Reginam, faetido ferrato 

Ponte ductario allevato 

Ulo Agustiniano, 

(Praetercunte CardifFano 

Lembo) attonitam stupefactam 

Collegium-greenum nop jam nactam. 



Turn Baillieus Colonellus 

Etsi solito magis bellus 

Obtutu misere stupebat, 1 

(Stygium flunien lit olebat !) >* 

Regina naribus hauriebat j 

Pulverera gratum tabacalem, 

Devovens urbem Cloacalem. 

Quotas somno obrepente 
Urbem visitavi mente, 
Audii strepitus, vidi fumum 
Et Macadarnisatam humum! 
Et quum suavissimo amico 
Jungerem dextras, etiam pico 
Loquacior, a me fugit Morpheus, 
Deseror, alter miser Orpheus, 
Uxorem cui invidit Orcus ; 
Rusticus expergiscor Porcus. 
Querelis meis resonant saxa 
Rupes, quercus, ulnus, taxa ; 
Saepius et imago vocis 
Ita me illudit jocis. 
O Rus quando te relinquam ? 
Sic mecum — Echo — quando, inquam! 



8 



Agendum rure quid ? declara — 
Respondet Echo statim — ara — 
Sepulti rure pereamus 2 
Echo reverberat— eamus — 
Urbs profert gaudia non invito — 
Urbs, audi ! ah ! strepit Echo, ito- 
Multis abundat Urbs divitiis : — 
Percellit aures Echo — vitiis — 
Non Musae cultse sunt Bristolide? 
Indignans Echo refert, Olids 
Repeto, ait Echo, stolidae.- 



istolide? } 
lidae — > 

e.— 3 



Me quid agatur Urbe nostra 
Fac certiorem, non ut plaustra 
Cives enecent, ut solent, 
Nee Hydrolapatha, nam olent. 
Nil quaero de Brandoni Monte 
Cliftoni rupibus et fonte — 
Qua unda volvitur opaca 
Avonia, urbis ut Cloaca; 
Quot mulieres aquas avide 
Adeunt, quo riant gravida3 : 
Quot Pugsleianum puteum lippse — 
Qui utinam esset Aganippe, 



9 



Ut biberenl cives largos haustus 
Seientiae, quos bibebat Faustus; 
Ut cives ibi loti oculos 
Magis musas, minus loculos 
Curarent, nostraqne Baeotia 
Jactaret literaria otia. 

Imprimis Magistrates grandum 
Depinge : dormiunt, edunt, ad urn- 
-brosas Villas Aldermanni 
Urbisque rex unius anni 
Bigis quadrigis equitantes 
Vehunter indies, nil curantes 
Quibus injuriis laedatur 
Pax civitatis noctu, satur 
Modo sit venter, modo plena 
Sua cuique sit Crumena ? 
Impunfe fures dum prsedantur, 
Gas et gaster dominantur. 
Sol abiit — insanientis 
Vulgi, furantis et furentis 
Incipit ardor, fluctuat motus 
Horridus; cantat nunc illotus 
Opifexfaeda; Fur, lenoque, 



10 

Latro, trifur Lavernioque 
Conturbant omnia— jam dies 
Vix abiit — en ! quae noctu Quies, 
Franguntur Jauuag, domus muri, — 
— Intrant — aperta omnia furi ; 
Felix si dormis inscius lecto, 
Si vigilas, surreptum tecto 
Plumbum, scloppus Grassatoris 
Per tempora tua mittit foris, 
Faucesque exelamantis oris. — 
F6rs, apprehenditur Sicarius ; 
En, ubi nunc Justiciarius ? 
I, pete, at ille pinguis Homo 
Securus omnium magna in domo 
Nunc longe stertit suo rure 
Sine lege, prece, jure, — 
Acrius, quam Vacca mugit — 
Dum territa Pax urbem fugit. 

Sunt nunc dierum Aldermanni 
Qui frontem frangunt Prisciani, 
Lapicidae, Coriarii 
Pelliones et iErarii ? 
An doctrinae eousque 



11 

Pervenerunt ut (damusque 
Vicissim veniam petirausque) 
Haec didicerint praecepta 
Grammatica et non inepta, 
" Fungor fruor utor vescor"* 
u Digiior muto," (res et est cor 
di) " communico supersedeo" 
O ne plus ultra eant, medio 
Tutissimi ; Fabellam lepidam 
Tu die, " ne sutor ultra crepidam."- 
Susurrant, illos dum pancratice 
Pungas, furere lymphatice ; 
Cave ne donriti magnates 
Quassasf mox reficiant rates 
Indociles pauperiem pati, 
Homines industria sati ; 
Forsan industria et virtute, 
Insignia scuti si cornute 



* Fungor Fruor Utor, &c.—Vide Latin Grammar, 

f Mox reficit rates 
Quassas indocilis pauperiem pati. — Hor, 

To renew rates— a good motto for an Overseer— probably 
the Author alludes to the arms of the city, a ship entering 
the port, as he quotes the city motto below—" Virtute et In- 
dustria." 



12 

Legimus ; de hoc musae mutce — 
Duabus matribus et nullus 
Creditur enasci pullus. 
Non, etiamsi rara avis— 
Matrera accipe quam mavis. 
Sed quod me attinet, aras juro, 
Vincis an vinceris, nihil euro, 
Quod taxant solvo ; nequiori 
Etiam Diabolo Creditori. 

Quibus houoribus scriptorem 
(An doctos negligunt ad morem ?) 
Rerum gestarum civitatis 
Ornarint praemiis dignitatis? 
An memores sunt adhuc vetulae 
Nates percutientis betulse 
Braccis perssepe laesi passis, 
Ingenium qu6d instar assis 
Non capiebat pensa Classis ? 
Iniquum ! dari verbera nati, 
Quae cerebellum debet pati. 
An beneficia nepotibus 
Danda pro puellarum dotibus ? 
Aidermannorum perurbanis 



! 



13 

Faucibus Garagantuanis* 
Ecclesiae fructus devorandi ? 
Dentes turribus purgandi ? 
— Turpe ! cedendum est Bristolii, 
Faecibus saccharini dolii. 
Annulos spernit sus gemmatos ; 
Haec seges peperit ingratos. 



Totus Marraoreus stat Bengous 
Togatus, satraps ut Eous 
Chantraei positus scalpello 
Magni, praetorio in sacello ? 
Imperitabat civitati 
Quasi muscipulae suae, pati 
Heu tot indigna, civis nati ! 
Seditne sell& ut Senator 
Curuli, Urbis ut Fundator, 
Pater Patriae, Procurator ? 
Phrenologiae grande signum, 
Occipiti si parcat tignum — 
In lueem proferas collecta 
Elogia manibus perfecta 



} 



* See Note A, at the end of the Volume* 



14 

Aldermannorum et Praetoris — ■ 
Sunt digna Angelorum choris 
Quae offerantur, manu ipsius 
Bengoi (aemula vel illius 
Epitaphii Bionis) 
Typis pulchrae editionis 
Magna cum approbatione 
Animae pro salvatione ? 
An Scriba quis Bristoliensis 
Mercenarius, impensis 
Defuncti, Jiberalioris, 
In funera Procuratoris, 
Mendax conseruit Epitaphium, 
Quod respuat etiam vile Scaphium. 

Cujus discipline censes 
Philosophos Bristolienses ? 
Egomet vidi sodalitii 
Totum agmen, aedificii 
Fundamenta posituros 
Urbis obambulare muros, 
Cauda veluti verrentes 
Totarn urbem, civium mentes 
Longitudine metientes, 



15 

Cum plausu facientis iter ; 
Sic Sartor Stultzius metitur 
Coxendices exquisitorum 
Adolescentium— notat lorum 
Sectum raembraneura mensuram, 
Forficis plaudente sono, 
Priusquam fundaraento bono 
Ausus sit sarcinatoriam 
Artis suae ponere gloriam. — 
Vidi manibus, quadratuin 
Ferentes lapidem pulvinatum, 
Ut ipsissimum probatum 
Philosophicum, divinae 
Pro specimine Doctrinae. 
Prior ibat Reverendissimus 
Decanus Vir, quem vere dicimus 
Philosophum, cui non de Minutis 
Conies ibat aliae cutis 
Illius anni Prsetor Frippus, 
(Vulgd appellabatur Dippus) 
Altior capite ceu cippus, 
Ornatu videbatur togae 
Comiti quasi Paragoge ; 
Etsi Prcetor gerebat sese 



! 



16 

Minus nitide, magis grace ; 
Operis faustum omen, numen, 
llluminatorum lumen. 
At non, si mihi linguae centum, 
Oceanus foret atramentum, 
Pennae Calami Anserini 
Mille machinis Perkini 
Vi vaporia moverentur 
Secundum artem indesinenter, 
Possem dicere quot et quanti 
Ibant Docti Dilettanti, 
Homines non numerandi, 
Multo potius ponderandi. 
At percunctanti scholam illorum, 
Processionem ambulatorum 
Per vias vicos si vidisses, 
Peripateticos dixisses. 
Sin indefatigatos rei 
Magnitudine, diei 
Absumpta maxima parte, dentibus 
Vacuis, impransisque ventribus, 
Et congementibus budellis 
Abjectis acrius vitellis 
De absenlibus patellis ; 



! 



17 

O digni Carminis Heroici 
Clam&sses, Hi sunt vere Stoici ! 
Mutatis antem jam mutandis, 
Paratis omnibus epulandis, 
Hos si vidisses epulari 
Plate on-ice deipnosophari, 
Apertis faucibus nihil fari, 
Evanescere tot et tanta, 
Tosta frixa jurulenta, 
Et pocula quot non continentur 
Totis vinariis, quasi venter 
Hominum esset exors fundi, 
Orbisque eomedendus mundi ; 
Quasi Natura excepisset 
Omnes Iaut&, et invenisset 
Ars commodissima Naturae 
Antliam Stomachicam ; jure 
Turn credidisses juvenes, canos, 
Omnes cleros et profanos 
Veros Epicureianos. 
At non dicatur quosdam horum 
Circaeis poculis animorum 
Tent&sse transmigrationem 
Sues per occasionem, 



! 



18 

Meruisseque ferinam 
Pythagoream disciplinam. 

Philosphi quid agunt dignum 
Tantae molis? quodvis lignum 
Non fit Mercurius, nee orti 
Philosophi velut caules Horti. 
Quid agunt ? docent mirabilia, 
Quae non sint, et quae sint fusilia, 
Metallorum quid mutatio — 
Galvanica quid titillatio — 
Humphrei Davii scintillatio ? 
Quo lactes terrae stercore plenae, 
Apud Bucklandium, sint Hyaenae. 
— Perkini asstuans ut Urina 
Possit fieri Ruina 
Totius Mundi, — O, nunquam eat 
Mictum, mingere nunquam queat. 
Quid agunt ? miscent aquam ? presto 
Sit rubra, rubra est manifesto, 
Caerula, nigra; reditura 
Jam sit in puram — aqua est pura— 
Haud aliter Agyrta Magus 
Peripateticus vel vagus 



i 



19 

Edit legibus Hoci Poci 
Praestigias, miracula, joci 
Plebs inscia inhiante ore 
Vertunt asinorum more 
Acies oculorum fuscas, 
Faucibus et captant muscas. 

Dicunt fuisse narratorem 
Doctum peregrinatorem 
Lepidissimura Vicarium ; 
Normandiae Itinerarium 
Legisse, tanta suavitate 
Verborum copia, gravitate, 
Videretur ut Normandia, 
Insula venustior Candia ; 
Normandiam crederes (teneas risum) 
Saltern Edtni Paradisum, 
O, si fuisset taritus rivus 
Eloquentia3 ! quando vivus 
Erat Patronus suus Divus 
Nicholas, quura marinis turdis 
Piscibus prsedicaret surdis ! 
Qui maris fulgidi lavacris, 
Malebant ludere cum sacris, 



i 






20 

Malebant aureis squaniis gliscere, 

Quam sanctum Catechismum discere, 

Caudis pinnisque dabant planctum 

Irridentes Nicholara sanctum ; 

Squamosi scelerati Rhombi 

Ceti, Balenae, Thynni, Scombri, 

Pristes, Cuprese Delphini, 

Aselli, Passeres, Echini, 

Turn Protea exclamantem, "Doce," 

Suae secutse essent Phocae 

Turn* Wordsworthius, si vixisset, 

Cornu Tritonis audivisset. 

O Philosophorum genus ! 

Quibus vera Virtus, Venus ; 

Nares quorum emunctiores 

Scientise emittunt rores ; 

Animae grandes ! queis natura 

Dat, dedit, usque est datura 

Scire tot tantaque secreta, 

Dum nos moramur Alphabeta. — 

Rem prospere gerunt Histriones 
Artis Magistri, an tirones ? 

* Vide Sonnet by "Wordsworth, in English notes. 



21 

Quanto melius foret, pulchro 
Carere mortuum sepulchro, 
Quam in vivis histrioni 
Esse ludibrio capitoni — 
Cuique pro dignitate tua 
Tribuatis, non pro sua : 
Monet Shakespearius — personas 
Sustinent Histriones bonas 1 
Vitia cohibent quasi fraenis 1 
Veram exprimunt in scenis 
Virtutis speciem et formam 1 
Quae suavis ad Platonis norraam 
Magnos amores excitaret, 
Ante oculos si staret : 
Immemores an dignitatis 
Monstris gaudent iilaudatis 
Feris, caballis et homunculis, 
Cantilenis Cantiunculis 1 
Juvant varia tintinnabula 
Magis quam Shakespearii Fabula? 
Plauduntur nunc, an simulata 
Pietas grande nefas rata 
Omne gaudium, corrugit 
Nasum, prohibensque mugit, 
Congregans convocationes 

s2 



22 

(Ut devoveant Histriones) 

Ad preces, caenas, cyathos Theae? 

O mysteria Bonae Dere ! 

O stultum genus, O, Famiiiae 

Hypocritical Quisquiliae ! 

Macadaraeia domus jactis 
Lapidibus augetur, factis 
Hominibus ad ungera suis ? 
Sic post ruinam aequoreae luis 
Deucalion numeravit olim 
Ex lapidatione prolem; 
O fortunatuni ! qui ita faxis, 
Ut aurum vel elicias saxis : 
Orauem lapidem nioverem, 
Si tecum loculos iraplerem. 

Quid Mercurius ? plumbeis alis 
Editor Hebdomodalis; 
Laborat usque (Radicalis; 
Dum strepit extra nidum pipulus) 
Verus Prototypi discipulus 
Cujus caduciferi perna 
Agebat raiseros ad inferna* 



23 

Quae circumvolitat agilis thyma 
Eltonus noster, an opima 
Spolia Musis ad altaria 
Suspendit Graeca Exemplaria ? 
An,* (par Poetarum rard 
Visum !) Claro clarior Claro 
Cum suavissimo vagatur 
Et quae tarn bene sentiat fatur ? 
Sapit, ludit, joculatur ? 
Beati, quibus ludere datur ! 
Quodcunque facit, quam amari 
Dignus, (amicitia chari 
Capitis ingenium clamet,) 
Me semper, ut amalur, amet. 
An certum est, nam Fama meum 
Jam nunc contristat animum, eum 
Aiens Bruxellas petiisse, 
Av^pa TroAvrpoTrov, Ulysse 
Etiam errabundiorem, 
Portare amabilem uxorem, 
Infantulum, cum filiabus 
Pulcherrimis, quae sunt Deabus 

* Vide Epistle to Clare, London Magazine for Aug. 1824. 



24 

(Homerica si utar phrasi) 
Simillimae, (»q swx^c-*— • 
Ipsis sint Horis comparatae 
Quibus caeli januae datae. 
Eltonuni videor videre, 
Ut solet, suaviter ridere, 
Laetantem, et laetificautera 
Omnem famillian comitaiitem, 
Essedo Belgico vectari 
Poetices Appollinari 

Igne Bruxellas lustraturum, 

Belgicos illuminaturum. — 

Sic Phoebus pingitur Guidone 

Vectus quadrijugo teraone 

Spargens lumen ex habenis, 

Spuraantibus ignemque frsenis 

Equorum ungulis suis bellas 

Noctis excutientium stellas 

Lucera laturus nubilis oris 

Pulchris comitantibus Horis. 

Quid Rippingillius, pingit, pangit, 
Movet risum, cordatangit? 
An Rippvanwinklius dormitat 



25 

Alter, laboresque vitat 
Lecto stratus, conniventis 
Dura raicant oculi dormientis ? 
Quasi Genius vigil intus 
Nolens fieri extinctus 
Percurrat castra cerebelli 
Suscitans ignes, signa belli, 
Turmasque, imaginum examen 
Quae punctiunculis ad certamen 
Subitum excitant vel lyrae 
Vel penicilli — artis mirse 
Utriusque magico ictu 
Educti domiciliis, nictu 
Plurirao pedum saltant Grylli 
Salutationes illi — 
O Lyra vis et Penicilii ! 



Alterius si dicam ore, 
" *Anche io son 1 pittore."— 
Nil valeo, etsi meo rure, 
Ignorantise forsan jure, 
Miraculo habeor, II Divino 
Raphael vel Dominichino ; 

* I also am a Painter. 



26 

Qudd possum pingere pravuni nasum, 
Ursum et Rusticum irrasum. 
Ignarus inter stultos pinxit — 
Inter caecos strabo lynx sit. 
Quicunque pingunt (modo bene) 
Illis semper sint crumenae 
Plenae, placens uxor, mundus 
Victus, domus atque fundus ; 
Quodcunque denique nutrix suo 
Voveat alumno — nuo — 
Fortuna det — nunc patienter 
Audiant pauca quae dicentur; 
Nee aegre monitum Pictores 
Ferant ; veterum labores 
Operum modo non adorent; 
Patres artium honorent. 
Seholam colant Italorum, \ 

Laudent parcius Batavorum. > 

Qui parum studiosi morum ) 

Abjectissimis rebus gaudent, 
Vel obsceniora audent — 
At quern non Bothius delectat } 
Berghemius, Cuypus ? et qui spectat' 
Vanderveldtii navale 



27 

Opus, sentit aequoris sale 
Saluberriraas auras flantes, 
Motusque fluctuum undulantes. 
Rembrandtius umbris et colore 
Cor implet magico terrore. 
Reubentius, grandis et sublirais, 
—At sapit Batavorum nimis — 
Delector et hilaritate 
Tenieri, et puritate 
Penicilli mira, amoti 
Quum sint obsceni, ebrii, poti. 
—At Hemskirkii titubantes, 
Spurcos, ebrios, ructitantes, 
Jurgia, rixasque lethales, 
Mores vere bestiales 
Odi ; et, plus qu&m dicere fas, 
Doweii urinale vas ; 
Ut odit etiam Papamictam 
Diabolus aquam benedictam. 

Et queis pingenda sunt ruralia, 
Abhorreant indignis, qualia 
Morlandus luti sus, porcinus 
Pinxit, colant quae Poussinus 



28 

Uterque, Claudius, et Salvator 
Olim (semper sit araator 
Pictor omnis Honestatis 
Decori denique Venustatis.) 
Petant sylvas, campos molles 
Et Leighi scopulosos colles, 
Petant valles, petant montes, 
Saxisque decurrentes fontes ; 
Naturamque per latebrosos 
Sequantur amnes fabulosos, 
Et cogant vix obedientem 
Arti servire. Sit Natura 
Serva non Domina prsedura. 
Ingenium Hominis est Ars 
Donum Dei, bruta pars 
Mundi fabrics Natura ; 
Humanae Mentis res Pictura. — 

Neu plebi liceat vulgari, 
Per pictos campos spatiari; 
Deducat Pictor in tabellas 
yEtatis aureae fabelias 
Sancta quas tradidit Poesis 
Vatibus antiquis Graecis; 



29 

Inferat Lamias, Satyros, Nymphas 
Circa salientes Lymphas, 
Quasi in possessions 
Suas, amaenas regiones — 
Legat margine seposto 
Fluminis stratus, Ariosto 
Quae scripsit calamo currente, 
Perquam splendide mentiente, 
Amores, latebras sylvestres, 
Discursiones et equestres. 
Vel sublimia sint tentanda, 
Sacra pagina trectanda— 
Pingat omnia miranda — 
— Lot abientem, vim flagrantem 
Diluvii, campumque flammantem — 
— iEgyptiacse terrae diram 
Missam Omnipotentis iram— 
— Crassam caliginem, cruentis 
Terram rubidam fluentis— 
— Peccatores in fissuris 
Latentes miseros telluris, 
Donee Ira Dei mundum 
Quatiet metu tremebundum. 



30 

Palmam qui bene meruit ferat—- 
Apud Bristolienses erat 
Danbeius parce muneratus, 
Quod magnos ausus est conatus ?— 
Sumat superbiam quaesitam 
Meritis tandem — degat vitam 
Laude, praemiis munitam. 



i 



Floreat Bristoliensis 
Schola, animas Londinensis 
Vix ipsa tulit graudiores; 
Servavit autem ditiores. 
Laurentius Eques, Vir conspectus 
Academias Praefectus 
Regise, Turnerus rari 
Ingenii, Birdius (tarn chari 
Capitis quis desiderio 
Sit modus, Cives, oro, serio 
Ad auxilium veniatis, 
Res lapsas domiis erigatis— ) 
Bayleius Sculptor, nee secundus 
UJli, quern quivis moribundus 
Prsetor vel Aldermannus spectet, 
Quern Mors ad Monumentum sectet, 



31 

Erant hi cuncti nostras Scholar, — 
Bristolia, delectaris prole ? 
Quos habes, retine — venale 
Opus, Pictura, sunt mortale 
Genus Pietores, dedit dentes 
Natura eadera quae mentes. 

Est Rippingillius, omnium unus 
Qui celebravit nostri funus, 
Canyngi Maecenatis ; Dives, 
En, honorantur boni cives, 
Sis largus, et memoria vives. 
Tabula est apud Acramannum ; 
Cur non dicamus Aldermannum — 
Sunt Jack et John uterque Sonus, 
Similes arte, nomine, bonus 
Urteque; Holmii sunt duo 
Pater filiusque, suo 
Ingenio gaudeat uterque. 
Branwhitius est, O ter quaterque 
Beati Cives ! qui depicti 
Arte manus peritissimae 
Vel imagines ipsissimee 
Posteritati grandiora 
Tradere possitis ora 



i 



32 

Picturae nunc instituatis, 
Cives, certamen, praemiis datis 
Quotannis ; civica ornetis 
iEdificia, Pictura 
Publica prodeatque cura. 
Nil d^speranduni omnes clamant ; 
Sunt qui liberales amant 
Artes, Miles, qui te duce 
Donabunt, diligent effuse : 
Est tibi Mens, Fortuna ridet — 
Domus splendidior renidet, 
Ingeniura quo nativum nitet. 

Conveniunt apud Rubuni* Ursi 
In amicitiam reversi ? 
Ruptisne vinculis sunt digni 
Verberibus herilis ligni ? 
Ubi Arctophylax, qui moris 
Sit studiosus melioris 
Capistraque resolvat oris ? 
Vidi Corapotationem 
Veram constellationem, 
Optimis erant, unusquisque, 
Geniis ingeniisque 

* The Bears Club, held at the Bush 



! 



33 

Voces quorum " Vox Stellarum ;" 
Nunc fdrs illecebris doctarum 
Mulierum seducuntur, (quarum 
Non una quidem est Aspasia 
Cui vera des Doctrinas basia) 
Captique minurizant, claudunt 
Religiose oculos, plaudunt 
Ineptias clamantes cc ohe 
Jam satis est" bibuntque Bohea, 
Suctu-bibuli scolopaces, 
Tipulae, Nycticoraces, 
Cseci Vespertiliones, 
Stultitise obsonatores ! 
Heus tu, Arctophylax, flagellum 
Concute circa cerebellum. 
Totum turbetur columbarium, 
Relictum repetant Ursarium. 
Majores Ursos ne tu sinas 
Anus fieri Ursulinas — 
Ursorum o delicta ilia ! 
Nunc bibunt, edunt rerum vilia 
Memini quidem ! quot conchyl 
Perdices, Anates, querquedulas 
Gallopavones et monedulas 



ilia. \ 



34 

Coniedebant, quot liquoris 1 

Pocula bibebant, roris / 

Digni Angelorum choris 
Punch dicti a Rum-Punchione 
Drflmmatico an Homuncione 
Ejusdam nominis — "fuit-fuit 
Ilium"-— Gloria mundi ruir. 
— Erant haec, regnante Notto 
Omnis Doctrinse Polyglotto, 
Doctore, non facetior ullus, 
Testes Horatius, et Tibullus, 
Ioannes et Secundus, 
(Autor quidem minime mundus — ) 
Aquae Potoribus aversus 
(Non hilarior erat Ursus.) 
" Aquarius contristat annum ;" 
Dicere solebat, " mannum 
u Habeat suum quisque, meae 
" Non sint potationes There." 
Haberet odiis impense 
Totum imperium Sinense, 
Roderet maledicto longo, 
Theas omnes, Peko, Congo, 
Adversus Bohea, Souchong, Hyson, 



MMMMHia 



35 

Irrueret ut cornutus Bison : 
Vix amatoria placuit ei 
Ob nomen Musa Vatis TeiL 
—Tunc erant noctes! erant caenae 
Dulces jucundae peramoenae, 
Facundia, discursus mellei, 
Noctes Atticee Auli Gellii 
Quels minime essent comparandse. 
Jam Vale, Doctor, peramande, 
Edisti satis et bibisti, 
Nee, optime, si quid lusisti, 
Delebit aetas, donee gnavis 
Persicus legetur Hafiz. 
— Vale dulcissime, diurna 
" Omnium versatur Urna"* 
Mors metit omnes nos inermes, 
Ventrosos, cucumes et vermes. 
Quodcunque nos jactemus, sumus 
Cinis, pulvis, umbra, fumus; 
Hunc et relinquemus mundum : 
Ait Horatius est eundum 

* Omnium versatur Urna. 

Anglice—We must all go to Pot. 

c 



36 

"Numa quo devenit et Ancus" — 
Ibi confectus annis, mancus 
Rejecta renascetur spuma, 
Vestitus meliore pluma ; 
Quod vix sperabant Ancus, Numa. 

Parum coraiter se gessit 
Kicardus Vaunus Eques? cessit 
Comitas, cessit et humanitas, 
Et, cuj us index os, urbanitas? 
Male tractavit saltatrices ] 
Quid si essent Meretrices ! 
Proh pudor ! mallem fieri Faunus 
Rusticus, quara Ricardus Vaunus, 
Eques, dives, Aldermaunus. 
Hirsutus mallem fieri Pan 
Semivir ipse Caliban, 
Et saltavisse Saraban. 
Tibi raitis est ocellus, 
Benigna frons — es homo bellus— 
Te indicat jucunditas oris 
Lubrica moris melioris, 
Ricarde ; ne tu fias macer, 
Quod in te fuerit Censor acer, 






37 

Mcerendo nunquarn nitida ilia 
Pimruis caro sit favilla.— 



Comitia proxima, quid ferent 1 
Senatores bene merent 1 
Populo est in ore Davis, 
Laudari dignus, Rara-Avis ? 
Quid Virtus, mens, ingenium potuit, 
Fecit, optimus innotuit. 
—Quid si locupletiores 
Sint alii ! tumens aureus hydrops 
Est magnas inter opes inops. 
Ni gustem mel, quid mi cum favis ! 
Nil euro Dives sis — sed Davis. 
Ego sum qui quondam ; gaude 
Suffrages plenis sine fraude, 
Maxime miror Ciceronis, \ 

" Fraus Vulpeculae* Vis Leonis." > 
Et ego Catulus ex bonis. — y 

Nee immemor sim Senatoris 
Alterius, etsi coloris 

* Fraus Vulpeculcs. 
Perhaps the author alludes to the Fox Club, though we do 
not exactly know his meaning. So the Leonis may have an 
allusion to the White Lion.— Editor. . 

C2 



38 

Fuerit paulum displicentis ; 
Plausu populi faventis 
Gaudeat, tentet magnos nisus, 
Fortis strenuusque visus. 

Stat ubi stetit Bibliotheca 
Bristoliensis, an ut caeca 
Talpa taciturn Doctrina 
Repit iter ex fodina 
Obscuriore, raox ad solem 
Magnam congestura molem 1 
Quocunque sit struenda piano 
Augustior aedificio nano 
Sit illo Patii Patipano.* 
Nee, quod Telonio Londinensi 
Accidit, sit indefensi 
Sed conjunctions saxi, 
Firmior ipso Cotopaxi. 
Floreat, aedificetur, 
Et sempert Pace conservetur. 
Quotannis ferunt patienter 

• JEdificio Patii Patipano* 

The Merchants' Hall— aedificated by Paty, somewhat in the 
shape of a Pattipan, as emblematical of the use for which it was 
intended, 
t Probably a Pun upon Mr, Peace, the Librarian.— Editor* 



39 

Conquerentum quam dementer 
Quern vix dicamus Georgiuui Sidus? 
An jam modestiorem nidus 
Suus ilium continet domi 
Antidotum laetitiis Momi? 
Natura mitis, mallem cuti 
Parcere, quam flagellis uti ; 
Sed si quem tristem et acerbum 
Cernam, acescit omne verbum, 
Fit acrius, perinde ac 
Si sit coagulatum lac. 

Odi tanquam pestem Mundi 
Omnem vocem queribundi, 
Querimonias sociales, 
Prsesertim matrimoniales, 
Rixas, judicia, burglarias ; 
Lites, etiam Cancellarias ; 
Odi Wiggos, Radicales, 
Bullas et pontificales, 
Disputationes Cleri 
Pugnantis de Naturd veri ; 
Odi latrantes Laterani 
Canes, Canonesque Fani, 



40 

Anathemata blateronis 
Babellaria Babylonis. 
Potius sequar compos mentis 
Vitse semitam fallentis 
Sit, cum non sim Prseadamita, 
Macadamizata Vita. 
Adempto ut periculo lapsus 
Expedite eat capsus, 
Non per desertam quamvis vallem, 
Sed quem familiares callem 
Delectent pedibus calcare, 
Loquaciter obambulare. 
Ut discam microcosmo tutus 
Meo, pene regios nutus 
Magnatum, mundi curas, jocos, 
Et quos fortuna velut trochos 
Usque verberet flagello, 
Quo sedeat Vanitas asello, 
Monstranda digitis — sit flere 
Fas aliis, — mihi sat ridere. — 
Omnibus aliis ne sim gravis, 
Mihi praeciqueque suavis, 
Placidus, aequus, Aristippus 
Denique, neque lynx nee lippus. — 



41 

Societas Mendicitatis 
Scrutatur adhunc civitatis 
Angiportus, vias, vicos, 
Fugans miseros mendicos ? 
Sic a viverra stat Rattopolis 
Suis devastata populis. 
Quam miser es, qui omnium eges ! 
Necessitas non habet leges. 
Male festinat ligneum crus — 
Volat Pistrinarius. 
O sanctum Libertatis jus ! 
Nominati apte satis, 
Societas Mendicitatis: 
Omnes vere digni dici 
Mendicissimi mendici ! ! 
Discurrunt undique, — cogenda 
Pecunia, tot sunt emenda, 
Encombomata, cunabula, 
Disci, patinas, acetabula, 
Stragulae pro puerperiis, 
Omnigenisque pro miseriis 
Pro miseriis non dicendis, 
Inventis non inveniendis ; 
Pro miseriis Germanorum, 



42 

Pro miseriis Polonorum 
Miseriis omnibus terrenis, 
Nullibi, nostris, alienis; 
Pro miseriis animarum 
Omnium Ecclesiarum. 
Pro piorum diverticulis 
JEdificandis conventiculis ; 
Heterodoxa cantione, 
Et vili Bethel-Unione. 
Itinerantes Praedicatores, 
Clerici Praestigiatores, 
Hue illuc cursitant ; quasi Numen 
Non ullis aliis dederit lumen ; 
Praefigunt postibus et muris 
Et foribus programmata juris 
Divini, quo sunt constituti, 
Religione, ut volunt, uti. 
Docentes odio haberi 
Vocem Parochialis Cleri.— 
Colligit fructus operosa 
Gens Bibliolaboriosa 
E charitatis sancto sacro 
Agello, minime quidem macro. 
Iturae missiones litae 



43 

Usque barbaras Otaheite ! 

Dum parentalis, filialis 

Charitas, ipsa naturalis 

Domi charitas sopita 

Stertit, frigidus Ereraita : 

Insaniunt omnes, ut amico 

Si cui occurras quovis vico— 

— Salutas-incipit Diatribe — 

Extrahit chartam u Heus subscribe!" 

Negas — " Heus subscribe" inquit, 

Arripit neque te relinquit 

" Fugeres V 9 ait, " nondura ibis" — 

— Tandem vinceris et — subscribis^- 

Optimum foret, si basilicum 

Haberes nomen quod grandiloquum 

Praefigeretur, ut ducale 

Vel quod Nugen tius, baronale; 

Parceres nummis— thure calet 

Tantumque grande nomen valet ! 

Felix, qui fit ut nemo mores 
Laudet infeliciores 
Primorum, qui totius mundi 
Quasi Domini injucundi 



44 

Essent, gerunt se in Urbe 
Arroganter et superbe } 
Ut, qui condiscipuli erant 
Mecum, altiora ferant 
Capita, dedignantes oculos 
Vertere, tractantes loculos, 
Deraissis manibus in braccas, 
Araore quo bubulcus vaccas. 
lis, qui me nolunt compellare 
Licet posteriora dare ; 
Quos aestimo ne quidem nucis, 
Nee praesegrainis hallucis. 
Non video quid sint majus illi, 
Non melioris sunt sigilli, 
Non bumaniore limo 
(Nee nos e turpiore fimo) 
Non docti, non e magnis nati. 
Quid turn ! — bene sunt nuramati, 
Palea2 sunt ejusdem stipulae, 
Mures ejusdem sunt muscipulae: 
Bene-uneti congregantur, 
Alter alterum odorantur, 
Sic scrutantur oppidani 
Canes occurrentes cani 



45 

Secreta bene uncti ani. 
O Fastum ! O imperiosam 
Auri famera, odiosam ! 
O Ignorantiam bestialem 
Stultitiam occipitalem ! 
O, si Crania crassa ista 
Spurtzhemius Craniologista 
Bene bene colophizaret, 
Omnes tuberes aequaret, 
Turn nebulones hi fastosi 
Stolidi, fatui, raordsi 
Fierent pepones bulbosi. 

Pugillarius viget iste 
Ludus, ubi sunt So-fistae r 
Utinam quispiam oriretur 
Quo stabulum nostrum purgaretur, 
Hercules alter, pugni trucis, 
Dignus pollice Pollucis, 
Tunc forsitan laudarera artem 
Cauponantium istum Martem. 

O Bristolia, dives lautis 
Civibus, callidis et cautis ! 



46 

Dives navibus et nautis ! 
Dives Poetis non nutritis — 
Pictoribus — tibi vix vestitis. 
Quae Chattertonum genuisti, 
— Famelicum deseruisti ! 
Quae vix uberibus nutristi 
Southaeum ipsum, et depulisti 
Infantulura animosum, extra 
Limen, niox rapturum dextra 
Merente facilique adultum 
Lauros, regalemque cultem. 
Tui utinam primores 
Essent munificentiores ! 
At quando, (longum absit dies) 
Southaee, mortuus, umbra fies 
Carus, honoratusque cinis 
Operibusque scripseris — Finis — 
Bristolienses tui, (qui il — 
— lactenus quid fecere } — Nihil :) 
Omnes te laudabunt cives 
Omnibus mernori& vives— 
Et egomet post annos centum 
Pierias aquas cujus mentum 



47 

Tetigit, cujus et proboscis 
Apoll inei pars est ossis, 
Latini quamvis obserratis 
Auribus clamo ore vatis, 
Morte victus cum occiderim, 
Et forsan cum Savagio* diderim 
Tumulura inhonoratum ! 
— Inserar ipse Albo vatum. 
Non pascam a tineas inertes V* 
Fugiam oblivionis syrtes. — 
Libellus ero, notus scholis 
Intitulatus a bibliopolis 
" Elegantiae Latinae 
a Bilinguis specimen doctrinae, 
" Manu scriptae Bristoliensis 
c< Cujusdam ignoti, jam impensis 
*' Civium haec nitidissima 
" Edito nova quinquagessima, 
" Curante (neque plura rogo) 
u Goodenuffio Pa3dagogo, 
" Classici Gymnasiarca 



* Savage, the Poet, died in St: Peter's Hospital, a pauper, 
and lies buried in St. Peter's Church-yard, 



48 

" Ludi Bristoliensis — parca 
" Mercede pucros alendos 
" Admittir, letteras et docendos 
" Hunianiores, (quae probata 
" Utraque Universitate) 
" Ab dementis ABC 

"Lucius Good ffD.D." 

Mundus pumice Nortoni 

Cujusvis, Corporationi 

A civibus donum prsesentabor, 

Civili area turn dignabor. 

At nunc — me facientem versus 

Fugerunt, fugiunt, fugient rursus 

Quasi essem, Sus vel Ursus. 

Sic dum feles ad fenestras 
Caterwallizantes vestras, 
Quos amabilis insania 
Ludit canere miaulania, 
Edunt chromaticum enarrabile 
Epithalamium, amabile 
Carmen, perquam-variabile, 
Maledictis irascimini 



•i 



49 

Saxis, fustibus persequimini, — - 
Sed illis felibus defunctis 
Visceribus exsectis cunctis, 
Lactes eae, quae dederint sonos 
Quos judicastis minirae bonos, 
Relinquunt veterem Abonam* — 
Mittunter aridae Cremonam, 
Nervi Aunt, et aptantur. 
Fidiculis et reportantur. 
Tunc omnes qui spernebant ante 
Musici fiunt Delettanti, 
Extatici plaudunt tonos, plane 
Quasi cantaret Catalani. 

Jam vale, Felix, sis felicior, 
Si possis, etiam animi ditior, 
Crumena, nummis, re divitior. 
At si productior sim quam velis, 
Defendor Juvenalis telis, 
Furor est (etsi careas arte) 
Perituras parcere chartae. 



* Veterem Abonam, the antient name of Bristol, 



} 



50 



Jam sat Farraginis meae, monet 
Franciscanus, ne coronet 
(Si parcius attingatur scopus) 
Non Finis, potius Funis, opus. 



STATNOMINISUMBRA. 



Published Ijf J~. M . GZTTCH, 15, Small Street, Bristol . 



TRANSLATION. 



Orator Prologue first steps forth? 
To tell you of the Author's worth. 



Felix, my Muse has long by some mishap lain- 
In of these rhymes all elegant and rare, are 
Fit at Mayors feasts to be sung by the Chaplain, 
Or the Sword-bearer. 

Southey, Bristolian, Laureat, Sapphic, 
Both you and I are brothers of Parnassus, 
You sing of Kings in honor typographic, 
I ofmolassus. 



Friend Felix, you that can divine 
(Pray read the note for Virgil's line)* 
The hidden causes and the springs 
By which are mov'd the puppet-strings 

* Felix, qui potuit rerum cognoscere causas. 

D 



52 



Of kingdom, state and common-wealth, 
I send you by these presents heaith, 
Greeting, or what the usual phrase is, 
In this, or in politer places ; 
For how should I in terms be nice, 
And skill'd in chit-chat artifice, 
Who live unpolish'd on the moors, 
Surrounded by a set of boors ? 
Better to dwell midst town cabals, 
Than gabble silly pastorals 
To clowns, that laugh at us or hate us. 
And act the frigid Cincinnatus. 
Give me the purple, lawn, and mitre, 
And trust me but my prospect's brighter ; 
Trust me, a shepherd with a crosier 
Is better than with crook of osier. 

To read the lying Poet's tales, 
You'd swear Apollo wore hob-nails, 
The Muses carried milking-pails : 
Their verses stufF'd with beeve and boar, 
Sweat fat and lard at every pore, 
And every line I find a bore. 
Can he, whose talk is of the ox, 
Have understanding orthodox ? 
So says the Psalmist ; mark the line 
With some respect not due to mine. 






1 



53 



Dig, dig, is here the constant cry ; 

'Tis " infra dig" — so dig not I ; — 

I shall to earth, quite soon enough. 

I cannot praise the wretched stuff 

Ascrib'd to Horace,* vide Smart : 

" Happy the man who his own cart, 

" With his own cattle drives a^field, 

" Nor cares what stocks or mortgage yield." 

'Tis trash, which Horace never wrote, 

Some pedagogue of little note, 

Just when his brains began to doat, 

Smuggled it in a new edition. 

The ode deserves entire excision : 

For Horace mostly liv'd at Rome, 

And lov'd to see his friends " at home. 15 



I too had friends, but that was when 
I liv'd among the haunts of men ; 
Just like what Horace says of his, 
That make this earth a paradise ; 
Wits' choicest flowerets in a knot 
And every year's " Forget me not" — 
— What days — and oh ! what nights were ours, 
All sparkling, till the little hours 
Left sober evening far behind, 

* Beatus ille qui procul negotiis, &c. 
d 2 



54 



And found us all of Milton's mind ; 

" 'Tis only daylight that makes sin," 

Therefore we never let it in. 

You would have wonder'd at our wit, 

How mortals could have come by it. 

Now for these joys in vain I sigh, 

My wings are cut, I cannot fly. 

So some poor ghost on bank of Styx, 

Whom Rhadamanthus interdicts, 

Without his passport turns his vision 

Dejected to the fields Elysian. 

So Gallic squadrons chill and freezy 

Stiffen'd at thoughts of Champs Elysees. 

So some poor spouse or ardent lover 

Stands sighing on the heights of Dover, 

When adverse winds or fortune's malice 

Detains his better half at Calais. 

So, Bristol citizens, you've seen 

Her Gracious Majesty the Queen, 

Your draw-bridge up, by Cardiff smack 

Cut off from St. Augustine's back ; 

While the stirr'd stench in vapour rose 

And Charlotte snuff 'd her royal nose ; 

And Colonel Baillie stood aghast, *1 

" The Queen has not yet broke her fast !" s 

To see that horrid Cardiff mast J 

Stuck in the chains of that machine 



55 

Of Styx, that guards with pool unclean 
Th' Elysian fields of College Green. 
— 'Tis Virgil's simile (the Stygian) 
Who wrote the History of the Phrygian; 
The rest are mine, I'll not forego 
The claim, because they're apropos. 

By aged thorn, by rock or stream 
Should I repose, I sleep, I dream — 
With busy step I seem to range 
Your bustling Quays, your full Exchange ; 
Involv'd in smoke I view surpris'd 
Your sloppy streets Macadamis'd ; 
But when at length I seem to meet 
Some dear old crony in the street, 
I seize his hand, cry " ah ! my friend !" 
My dream and salutation end. 
So Orpheus lost again his wife 
Just on the very verge of life ; 
My lost Eurydice, cried he, 
And Echo mock'd — you're rid I see — 
Thus waken'd by some hideous din, 
I see coarse bumkins round me grin. 
Thus to the hills, the vales, the rocks 
I pour complaints ; — thus Echo mocks, — 
Shall I and these vile bumkins sever ? 
Says Echo ; — These vile bumkins ever. 



56 



What's to be done here, — is it sow ! 

Or plough ? — quoth Echo, is it so I 

What Poets feign of innocence 

Is't here ? — quoth Echo, in no sense. 

I'm lonely here, to matrimony 

I'll fly, — quoth Echo, — matter o'money — 

If 'gainst the ills that all presage 

In marriage — Echo — marry age — 

My mind I could but fortify, 

I am — quoth she, — but forty, fie ! 

Resolv'd to lead a wife to th' altar, 

And take, — says Echo,— take to th' halter. 

The city let me see again, 

I love it's, — Echo answers, — gain — 

Taste, mirth, and pleasures and device?, 

Such as they are, — quoth Echo, — vices — 

There science rises quite a new sense ; 

Esteem'd, — quoth Echo, — quite a nuisance. 

At Bristol is there not a muse 

That can, quoth Echo, not amuse: — 

Take me to him in epic famous, 

Cottle I mean, — quoth Echo, Amos /* 

Or him, who left his barrels, Morgan, 

To sound his — Echo — barrel-organ, 

* And Amos Cottle, Phoebus what a name ! 

BYRON. 



57 

His pipes poetic — pipes that speak 
Of Ashton— Echo, pipes that squeak /-— » 
Thus Echo, like a true drawcansir, 
Is ever ready with an answer. 



From you, friend Felix, would I know, 
How matters in your city go i 
Not such as whether Brandon-hill 
Or Clifton stand, where stood they, still 
There let them stand, for stand they wi 
Unless your paviours without mercy 
Hold with their bowels controversy. 
Your muddy river, and your drays 
Ringing their iron-peals, your quays. 
Your ships, or even if your float 
Send it's thick poison down your throat, 
Are things of which I take no note : 
Nor whether Mother Pugsley's waters 
Still wash your sore eyed sons and daughters 
Would ! 'twere the Fountain Aganippe ! 
To make them wise as Mistress Gippy,* 
Then might they, thinking less of traffic, 
Learn to negotiate in sapphic ; 



* The name of this scientific Lady is, we believe, Guppy. 
We observe the Author of the Epistle to Clare, requires cor- 
rection, likewise for his misnomer. He calls her Mrs. Gupp. 

Editor. 



„ ] 

ill; J 

1 



58 

Might, wash'd by that poetic lotion, 
Of learning have some little notion, 
And never more be term'd Baeotian. 



! 



1 



First, Felix, let your graphic pen 
Describe the May'r and Aldermen ; 
Your May'r is like an almanack, 
The new one makes the old snail pack, 
Without his house upon his back. 
Still to their villas do they ride 
Waiting for none, like time and tide, 
Each day, and leave too clear the coast, 
For thieves, when Justice quits her post ? 
Day closes, and the rows commence, 
And the streets' vulgar insolence — 
Catcalls and groans — your pocket's pick'd — 
You're hustled, p'rhaps knock'd down and 

kick'd. 
You call " the watch, the watch" — he snores 
Or else is gone ! — and so is y our's !— 
A robber's ta'en, the city round 
You search — no Justice to be found — 
Your City-conservators, trustees, 
Are at their villas —There Sir Justice, 
Good easy man in 's easy chair, 
A sitting magistrate — but where ? 
Dreams of his credits and his cash, 



59 



And of to-morrows calipash ; 
While scar'd and unprotected peace 
Flies from a negligent police ; 
Nor gates nor bars exclude, as said 
By Dryden's muse, the busy trade. 
Thieves break into your house at night — 
Dare you dispute their ruffian right — 
The lead, that's stolen from your roof, 
Tries, if your head be bullet-proof. — 

Such was the city anno 

They say, not now, and Heaven be thank'd. 

One question I would ask with fear ; 
Do now-adays, when every ear 
Is like the ear of rhetorician, 
The Council break the head of Priscian ? 
Chuse ye still masons, tanners, skinners 
To flourish at your public dinners ? 
Sheriffs, who 'fere the Judges stammer, 
In breach of common sense and grammar ; 
Who having learnt one golden rule, 
At some poor elemental school 
Just big enough to whip a cat in, 
Have thought it " quantum sufF." of Latin : 
" *To hold an office, and take fees 

* Fungor, fruor, utor, &c. Latin Grammar, 



60 

Eat, use, have dignity and ease, 
Exchange, communicate, supersede.'" — 
Words worthy of the civic creed. 
Friend Felix, in their teeth I cast 
The adage, " Cohler mind your last ;" 
In pity, Felix, chuse henceforth 
By wit, as well as what they're worth. 

'Tis whisper'd round that ev'ry column 
Of Felix Farley makes them solemn, 
And some the Faculty presage, 
IPt lasts, will go off in a rage.* 
Friend Farley, if your zeal abates, 
As Horace says " reficient rates," 
Virtue and industry's their motto,! 
The which you may attend or not to ; 
But whether industry or virtue 
They owe their origin and desert to, 
Is what I have to say a word to. 



i 



* In allusion to the endeavours making by the Editor of 
Felix Farley's Journal to reduce the local taxation of the 
Port ; the rates or duties levied in which have been highly 
oppressive, and diverted from the purposes for which they were 
originally granted. 

f Mox reficit rates 
Quassa$ indocilis pauperiem pati. 

Hot. 
To renew rates : a good motto for an Overseer. Probably 
the Author alludes to the City Arms, a ship entering a port, as 
he quotes the city motto, «' Virtute et Industrial 



] 



61 

Because one mother for one chick, 
Is natural arithmetic : 
And truth may hang upon this peg, 
That two hens cannot lay one egg. 

But this dispute 'twixt you and them, 
I do not praise, nor yet condemn. 
I pay all charges — false or true— . 
And always give the Devil his due. 
Tho' I should sweat at every pore 
I never tell, where I am sore, 
Lest they should flog that part the more. 
As the ahominahle flea 
First nibbles with sure policy, 
Not that he's eating, but to catch 
Your foolish fingers at the scratch, 
Because the circulating heat, 
Brings richer gravy to his meat, 
And all your anger, stir and spite 
Is but to show him, where to bite. 

Say, have the Body Corporate 
Conferr'd at last, tho' far too late, 
Upon their reverend and learn'd 
Historian, what so well he's earn'd, 
Some solid honor? or do smacks 
Still smart, with which he brush'd their backs, 






} 



] 



62 



Because by whipping so deep red, 

He made the bottom, not the head, 

Which should have born the blame instead. 

So nothing gain'd, they nought bestow, 

For nihil fit ex nihilo.* 

What do they with their benefices ? 

Give them as dowries to their Misses, 

To unknown cousins dragg'd from Wales, 

Like calves from Essex by their tails; 

While Bristol's sons, no smuggled brood, 

But her own real flesh and blood, 

Cry " patriam fugimus 1 ' for food. 

See Eclogue one, the Bard of Mantua— 

Or do they, like great Garagantua, 

Swallow the churches (though the people's) 

And pick their teeth with all the steeples ?t 

A cunning animal exists, 
As I have heard from naturalists, 
Gifted with rare instinct complete, 
Of goins: to market for his meat ; 



* The Rev. Samuel Seyer, Author of the Memoirs of 
Bristol. This gentleman is a native of the city, and for many 
years conducted in it a Seminary of great celebrity, where nu- 
merous members of the Corporation, as well as their children, 
were educated ; but strange to say, the reward, he so well 
earned, has never been bestowed.— Editor. 

f See Note A. at the end of the Volume. 



63 



Call'd a Tamandua — Ant-eater, 

Whose tongue's a strange illegal meter, 

Which of enormous length it lays 

Across the most frequented ways, 

And all along the market place 

Of th' ants, a husy trading race, 

Who thinking it a mark of honor, 

The city thus should have laid on her 

A scarlet carpet for their feet, 

All flock to it from lane and street, 

Nor know their danger till they stick 

Fast in the ant-lime slab and thick ; 

Then, he perceiving, as they crawl, 

He's got a tolerable haul, 

Draws in his tongue, and gobbles all. 

There are more ant-eaters than one, 

Tongues that to any length can run, 

Look fair, yet be each one a gin, 

And when you little think, draw in ; 

And some this maxim plainly preach, 

" Lay claim to all your tongue can reach. " 

And tell me, Felix, since old Bengo* 
Would'nt go in quiet where all men go, 



* Many years a Solicitor and Alderman of the Corpora- 
tion ; and who left them a large sum for the erection of a 
monument to his memory. 



i 



64 



But would be chissel'd out aud marbled, 

And have his earthly praises warbled ; 

Stands he complete from Chantry's chissel ? 

(He'd th' whole city at his whistle 

As he had caught them in a rat-trap.) 

Now stands he like an eastern Satrap 

Togated, upright as a rule, 

Or sits in civic chair curule, 

A glorious specimen for Gall, 

If th' occiput don't touch the wall ; 

To teach us how to mould our bumps. 

That all our cards may turn up trumps? 

Say, is the epitaph in print ? 

Print the rejected, — take the hint ; 

Those written by the civic pen 

Both of the May'r and Aldermen ; 

Tell me, good Farley, are they such 

As, printed in the types of Gutch, 

Neat as that epitaph of Bion, 

Or Denman's royal gift from Dion, 

The old defunct with his own hand 

May humbly offer to the band 

Of angels, that attend his journey, 

To save the soul of the attorney ? 

Or has some mercenary scribe, 

That couldn't write without a bribe, 

Penn'd a vile fulsome epitaph, 



65 



That might make Milton's dolorous laugh ; 

And which offended minor saints, 

Like dogs, might cock their legs against ? 

I have a wish to know what sect 
Bristol Philosophers affect ; 
What is the school of their profession ? 
I saw myself their grand procession 
About to raise their new abode, a 
Philosophical Pagoda, 
Through the whole city sinuous wind, 
And drag their " length of tail behind ;" 
As they were measuring by it, 
The city's wisdom, worth and wit: 
(So with his length of parchment Stultz * 
Takes measure of polite adults ; 
And marks his progress by a snip, 
From joint to joint, from hip to hip, 
On solid bottom e're he raise 
The seat and structure of his praise. — ) 
Upon a velvet cushion shone 
What seem'd the true Philos'pher's stone 
By which their virtue might be known, 
(After that householder's example, 
Who show'd a brick for th' house a sample) 

* A fashionable Tailor of Bond-street. 



j 



66 

And a new coin to lay beneath, 
With this inscription in a wreath, 
»' Welcome you are, where'er you come, 
" If you have sixpence under thumb." 

The very Reverend Dean and May'r 
Together walk'd, the foremost pair, 
Both ex-cathedra men of weight ; 
The latter deck'd in robe of state, 
To th' other seem'd a dedication, 
Presented by the Corporation. 
One was the Church's candlestick, 
Th'other the candle with it's wick ; 
No rush-light, no minute Philosopher, 
(Would! you th' Exchange had seen him 

cross over) 
A light of lights to' lucidate ye, 
And one of the Illuminati ; 
The very mould and frontispiece 
Of a Philosopher of Greece. 
But, tho' I had a hundred tongues, 
Fargus thy auctioneering lungs, 
A thousand pens all going by steam, 
One every minute to a ream, 
Like Perkins's machine infernal, 
(Nor would you put them in your Journal) 
I could not, if I would, relate, 




" Welcome you are, where'er you come> 
" If you have sixpence under thumb.' 1 

We have been favoured with a fac-simile of the Medal 
of Coin mentioned in the text, and are well aware that 
in laying it before our readers, we present them with no 
small curiosity. It has been carefully copied from the 
drawing, which is known to be the only authentic docu- 
ment now in existence, bating the veritable one under 
the stone. 

This " rare deposit" being intended to excite the 
wonder of future times, when it shall come to light, any 
particulars relative to it cannot fail of being highly 
interesting to the present; and accordingly we proceed 
to give such information as we have obtained from un- 
doubted sources, and pledge ourselves it is all that can 
reasonably be depended upon. 

Whether the design is to be taken as a fair sample of 
the state of the Arts of Bristol at the time it was exe- 
cuted, or of the peculiar style of the Artist ; or whether 
it was an attempt to accommodate himself and his art 
to the taste of his employers, or to satirize it, is now 
matter of doubt, and as such we are compelled to 
leave it. 

The figure holding a bag in each hand is supposed by 
some to be a portrait, but perhaps it is entirely a sketch 
of fancy. Some have thought it a personification of 
the Wealth of the City, but as the hands holding the bags 
appear not to possess any very extraordinary tenacity 



of grasp, this is doubted by many. Some again think 
it meant to personify the liberality of the Bristol In- 
stitution, and that the bags so invitingly held forth are 
emblematic of the honors and rewards intended to be 
given for the encouragement of poetry, painting, 
music, &c This opinion at first gained ground rapidly, 
but latterly it has changed into a supposition that the 
figure is really a portrait and nothing more. 

We wish to avoid giving offence, and shall therefore 
withhold our opinion on so nice a point ; our's. is a 
statement of facts only. To those already given perhaps 
we may be allowed to add something touching the fate 
of the Artist himself. Very little indeed is known of 
him, but he appears to have been that same Ripp Van 
NVinkle to whom a painter of the present day is com- 
pared in the subsequent part of this invaluable poem ; 
addicted it seems to the occasional practice of painting, 
fiddling and scribbling. Whether these jointly or 
separately got him into disgrace is not exactly known ; 
but certain it is, that from the time of making the de- 
sign, or of laying the foundation stone, he ceased to 
receive any support from the city he had inhabited so 
long. For five years he had no employment whatever 
but from strangers ; and during that time having seen 
two of his brother Artists literally starved out, he fell 
into a state of despondency (being of a very meek and 
timid nature) and after writing a most pathetic farewell 
to Bristol (not yet published) he departed, and soon 
after died of a broken heart. The original design from 
which the die-sinker executed his work, and from which 
the present etching is made, the only thing in the least 
degree resembling a coin, was found among some loose 
sketches at his lodgings in Milk-street, and is now in 
the possession of the publisher, 



67 



At once how many and how great, 
They went, all learn'd and Dilettanti, 
More numerous than the ghosts of Dante ; 
Not to he number'd hy the tale, 
But rather weigh'd in civic scale. 
Then if some friend had ask'd, what sect 
Were these erratic wise elect, 
Without douht you had answer'd him, 
Peripateticks wind and limb. 

Then had you, when their business clos'd 
Beheld their visages composM, 
Their teeth now seeking new adventure, 
As soon was witness' d by indenture ; 
All hungry, like wean'd calves their bowels 
Running the treble through the vowels ; — 
Then had you seen them, with what patience-j 
They took in th' anti-room their stations, V 
E're cooks would furnish up their rations, J 
Acting unusually heroics ; 
You would have call'd them real Stoics. 

But once admitted to the dishes, 
The soups, the bouillies and the fishes ; 
Had you but seen them dine voracious, 
All open mouth'd, but not loquacious ; 
With plate on plate like Platonists, 



68 

Or as they're term'd Deipnosophists ; 
Had you but seen them bumpers swallow. 
As if whole cellars were to follow ; 
As tho' all nature had giv'n a treat, 
And man was only meant to eat ; 
And art, at nature's views to jump, 
Had therefore made a stomach-pump ; 
You fairly might have hence inferr'd, 
All old and young were of one herd, 
Laity, clergy and plebeians, 
Veritable Epicureans. 
Horace is coarse, but not so I, 
He speaks of Epicurus' stye ; 
For sure I am on this occasion 
Not a soul tried his transmigration, 
Nor lost the form erect of man, 
Become a staggering Caliban, 
Transmogrified by cups Circean, 
To try the laws Pythagorean. 

But since they must be, sect or sects, 
Of their own fame the architects : 
What is't they do, for there's the matter, 
Worthy so great a fuss and clatter ? 
Philosophers may talk like parrots 
But grow not up like leeks and carrots, 
A silken purse from a sow's ear, 



69 



And hogs-wash brewing table beer, 

Are things that make us laugh, not sneer* 

What is't they do, is't this, to mix, Sir, 

Together this and that elixir, 

Put this and that into a crucible, 

And show what is, what isn't fusible ? 

How Davy's new galvanic knocker 

Would send us all to Davy's locker ; 

How Mister Perkins could make water, 

That all mankind at once would slaughter ; 

Make red hot ice and fire from snow pipes, 

And teach us how to blow our blow-pipes. 

To make our Ladies prate and think 

Of bismuth, manganese and zinc ; 

Of album graecum, Buckland's den, 

Of oxygen and hydrogen ; 

How oxygen is Mercury's daughter, 

And hydrogen is gin and water. 

— Behold this liquid change it's hue, 

Tis yellow, green; 'tis orange, blue; 

Now red, and now, remove that stopper, 

Expose the acetate of copper— 

— Presto — tis blue again — spare, spare ; 

Is this the jargon makes you stare ? — 

So have I seen some low Jack-pudding 

With skill scarce worth the shoes he stood in, 

Draw with his presto, hocus — pocus, 

«2 



70 

His booby audience to a focus : 

And with his cups, and balls, and glasses, 

Astonish all surrounding asses, 

That raise aloft their eyes and noses, 

To whatsoe'er the knave exposes ; 

And gaping wide-raouth'd exercise 

The noble art of catching flies. 

Is't true, that friend of your's and mine, 
That worthy man, that sound divine ; 
That learned and facetious Vicar, 
With whom no mortal man could bicker, 
His tour through Normandy has read 
T' a crowded room, illustrated 
With his own bold expressive sketches, 
That artists covet, envious wretches ! 
So that we know not which utensil 
T' admire most, his pen or pencil ; 
Read with such suavity of voice, 
Ore rotundo flow and choice, 
Command and elegance of diction, 
You would have felt at once conviction 
That he had trod with happy feet 
The vales of Cyprus or of Crete ? 
He could have made the snows of Sweden 
Appear the Paradise of Eden. 
Oh ! had such eloquence been nourished, 



71 



When h's patron Saint old Nich'las flourished, 
What time he preach'd, and preach'd in vain 
To the deaf tenants of the main — 
And couldn't pros'lyte to his wishes, 
Those scoundrel scaly scamps the fishes, 
That threw their tails aloft and glisten'd, 
And play'd when they should all have listen'd ; 
Then had grim Proteus cried out, Doce, 
And driven in his shoals of Phocae, 
And Wordsworth heard, had he been born, 
Old Triton wind his " wreathed" horn.* 

O rare philosopers, O race, 
Whom worth, wit, virtue, beauty, grace 
Adorn, fair science from your noses 
Distils her pearls like dew from roses. 
Allowing you all things to know, 
Nature to twist and turn like dough, 
And thrust your scientific trowels 
Into the secrets of her bowels ; 
O gifted race, whilst duller we 
Are only in our ABC. 



* So might I standing on this pleasant lea 
Have glimpses, that would make me less forlorn, 
Have sight of Proteus coming from the sea, 
And hear old Triton blow his wreathed horn. 

Wordsworth. 



72 



Say do your players meet with praise 
And due reward ? for Shakspeare says, 
'Twere better, when you're dust and chaff, 
To have a sorry epitaph 
Than ill report of their's, alive. — 
Give them good fashion, let them thrive ; 
Nor let with them, in any point, 
The times be ever out of joint. 
" Time's abstract and brief chronicles" 
Stand they as Virtue's centinels ? 
For Virtue as you read in page 
Of Plato, were she on the stage, 
Would every eye and heart engage. 
Bid them, good Felix, still maintain 
The dignity of th' antient reign ; 
And show us Hamlet, Lear, Othello, 
Not this or t'other squalling fellow ; 
Their horses, children, their regalia, 
And Mother Goose's paraphernalia. 
Let us enjoy the good old school, 
Not melodrames and stuff of Poole, 
They'll find the old the golden rule. 
Then would they meet with sure respect, 
Unless indeed your saintly Sect 
The city high and low infect ; 
Who deem all merriment a sin, 
And excommunicate a grin ; 



! 



! 
1 



73 

Who hold their weekly convocations, 
To publish nasal declarations 
Against all theatres and players — 
And then adjourn — to tea and prayers. 
Ye riff-raff of all sects, ye pack 
Your burthens on religion's back, 
Until ye make it groan and crack, 
And chuckle at your snug abuses; 
O mysteries of the new Eleusis ! 



j 



j 



And ye that would suppress all vice, 

Save for yourselves a private slice, 

You'd better your attention fix 

On your own little dirty tricks, 

Than break poor beggar's fiddle-sticks; 

Pluck merriment from a poor man's sleeves ! 

Why, what a dastard set of thieves ! 

Attack the rich — you do not dare ; 

Then whip yourselves, you've blood to spare ; 

— Give me the lash, your shoulders bare. 

— What would ye have, why do'nt you see 

Your city great, " the powers that be," 

Have ta'en the Cardinal Virtues* down, 

* There were four niches in front of the old Council- House, 
for intended Statues of the four Cardinal Virtues — which were 
never installed, and are supposed to be still in the wine vaults 
ofthe new building— or sent to Mr. Braikenridge, to adorn 
a Temple of Modesty to be erected in his grounds, and dedi- 
cated with Antiquarian zeal, to the Bristol Corporation. 



} 



74 



And fairly kick'd them out of town 

Noseless and limping, to malign us 

And make complaints to old Belinus ;* 

—Go put yourselves up in the niches— 

But if ye do — my finger itches — 

A rod's in pickle for your breeches. 

Off with ye all — I'll just annex 

A warning to the softer sex ; 

Your own domestic circles keep 

In peace and gentleness, nor creep 

Down areas and to kitchen doors, 

Female inquisitorial bores ! 

Teaching our servants that their business is 

T' expose their masters and their mistresses. 

You ask what fam'ly prayers are said ; 

If thrice a-day the Bible's read ; 

When we get up, when go to bed : 

Whether we're not all Satan's imps ? 

As if religion wanted pimps ! 

Why do ye twist your female faces 

Into such horrible grimaces, 

* Belinus is said to have been one of the Founders of 
Bristol ; a statue of whom, with his kinsman, Brennus, is 
still extant over the gateway of St. John's Church. 

Our ancestors proceed from race divine ; 

From Brennus and Belinus is our line, 

"Who gave to Sovereign Rome such loud alarms. 

DRYDEN,—The Cock and the Fox. 



} 



75 



Till they have got the settled knack 

Of looking hypocondriac ; 

As if fanaticism took toll 

From melancholy's hitter howl, 

And Hiera-picra* sav'd the soul. 

What fools ye make yourselves, good lack ! 

Now do ye really think, a pack 

Of cards are Devils in masquerades, 

And Antichrist the knave of spades ? 

Off— one and all to Bedlam pad, 

You're either knaves, or fools, or mad. 

O Superstition ! thou art like 
A scowling monk, whose shade th' oblique 
Rays of a red and angry sun 
Fling far upon the beach in dun 
Undefin'd form, with giant stride 
The monster of dim eventide. 
Thou frownest in thy bigot zeal 
Like inquisition or bastile, 
That lifts its dark accursed pile 
To evening's last departing smile, 
And o'er a prostrate city throws 
It's shadow black with human woes. 
Religion's gladsome clear and bright, 

* Hiera picra, »££& mzga,, literally Holy Bitters. 



i 



76 



Like one that stands in mid-day light ; 
No gloomy shadows round her spread 
And Heaven shines glorious o'er her head. 

How does the House Mc.Aoam thrive ? 
Is't made a comfortable hive ; 
Has he his fortune doubled, trebled, 
All his ways gravell'd, smooth'd and pebbled, 
And made fine gentlemen and madams, 
O' the female and the male Mc.Aoam s ? 
Deucalion* thus, by throwing stones, 
Rais'd up a progeny of bones ; 
Happy Mc.Adam, who can'st knock 
A ten pound note out of a rock ; 
Can'st so adroitly smooth the way, 
To make ev'n Parliament defray ; 
Had I that art by you discern'd, 
I wouldn't leave a stone unturn'd, 
Till I had learnt to coin and mint 
A golden sovereign from a flint. 

I'm told your Mercury* has outspread 
New-feather'd limbs, not wing'd with lead ; 
Time was, he told with weekly toil 

* Vide Note B. at the end of the Volume, 
* A Bristol Newspaper. 



77 

O' th' Constitution's blain and boil, 
And augur'd new forthcoming sores, 
(I hate all augurs, they are bores) 
When grand Quack Radical his pills 
Distributed to cure all ills : 
Distributed, but whoe'er took 
Would surely find him at that brook, 
Where his old prototype Mercurius 
Was wont to drive the souls usurious. 
Say does he trim his wings anew, 
Dismiss his former scribbling crew, 
And better principles pursue ? 



j 



As Horace says, " around what thyme," 
About what flowery bank of rhyme, 
A busy bee on busy wing 
Does Elton take his wandering •? 
Does he in new attire entwine 
The garlands of the antient Nine r* 
Or does he now, and honest John,f 
Who's bade his church-yard cough begone, 
" By wood-brow'd stream" and rock and rill, 
Enjoy of pleasant chat their fill ? 
And gravely glad the Poet's way, 

* C. A. Elton, Esq.— Vide his elegant Specimens of the 
Classic Poets. 
t Epistle to Clare, New London Magazine for Ang. 1824. 



78 



Most sensitive when most they play, 

Think wisely what in wit they say ? 

Friend Elton, thou hast now thy share, -j 

But, faith ! I rather envy Clare ; ( 

Or wish that I a third was there. J 

I love thee, Elton, and this pen, 

For thou to me art " man of men," 

Shall tell thy city half thy worth, 

And bid it glory in thy birth. 

May I be half as dear to thee, 

As thou wilt ever be to me. 

Now, Farley, scarce this wish of mine 
Had been embodied in a line, 
When news that travels far when ill, 
And limps when good, as 'gainst her will, 
Now forward to my presence bustles, 
You'll find your friend, quoth she, at Brussels. 
Pray seek him not by rock or glen, 
He's gone to study ways of men, 
To judge of pictures, arts, abjure 
All talk of Clare, but clair obscure. 
And with him takes his chearful spouse, 
The infant honor of his house, 
And daughters, who, in Homer's phrase, 
Like goddesses in beauty blaze : 
Or like the rosy hours that ope 



79 



The gates of Heav'n, see Iliad— Pope. 
Methinks I see friend Elton sit 
In Belgic chariot, scattering wit, 
And joy and mirth, with eye dilate, 
Viewing his jocund happy freight; 
The while his merry daughters laugh 
To think how he will e'er engraff 
On Belgic tongue his lyric lays, 
And throw around poetic rays 
To eyes unus'd to such a blaze. 
So Phoebus in his painted coach 
Does to this darker earth approach, 
Scattering radiance where he sits, 
And light that's dash'd from foaming bits 
Of steeds, that strike from prancing hoof 
The stars that spangle Heaven's high roof; 
Whilst all the dancing hours in mirth 
Sing joyous to the glistering earth. 
'Tis from Reynaldi's noble print 
Of Phoebus, that I take this hint i< — 
The picture's by the hand of Guido, 
Who knew the fact as well as we do. 

What's Rippingille about of h's art 
Master Magician, who the heart 
(By virtue of a painted board) 
Can raise and lift into a gourd, 



i 



80 



Grief's pumkin, and at once with humour, 

Allay the sympathetic tumour ? 

Say, does he still a " Rippvanwinkle"* 

Doze with his half-clos'd eyes that twinkle, 

As if there were within a sprite 

That would not be extinguish'd quite, 

But flying round that camp the brain 

Rouses to arms the busy train, 

That prick him up to sudden trial 

Or of his pencil, pen or viol ; 

While from their domiciles the crickets 

To see and listen ope their wickets, 

And round him dance their salutation, 

Obedient to his incantation. 

I too would like Correggio glory, 
44 tAnche io son 1 pittore." 
Of no great value it is true, 
Yet I can paint a nose, if blue *, 
Pourtray a squint, a clown, a bear, 
Can make my country neighbours stare, 
Open their mouths and take the snaffle, 
And call me Domenichino Raphael. 
— St. Giles's with the ignorant's Florence, 

Vide Epistle to Clare. New London Mag. for Aug. 1824. 
f I too am a Fainter. 



81 



That ass of painters Haydon, Lawrence. 
Heaven keep such wretched judges from us— 
That e'er can take him for Sir Thomas ! 

*I would that every man, that stands 
At easel, had both house and lands ; 
And table stor'd, flesh, fowl and fish. — 
Now, Messieurs, kindly take the wish : 
Nor poke your maul-sticks in my eyes, 
If now I'm bold to criticise. 
No quarrel with th' old masters pick ;? 
Let the dead lion have no kick ; 
Th' Italian School in reverence hold 
And learn to judge of sterling gold, 
And not take every dauby, scratchy 
Black thing for Raphael and Caracci ; 
Then swear they dealt in the black art, 
And boast to find their counterpart, 
In Day and Martin, rather say, 
In fMartin without any Day ; 
Distinguish false from true, then hit 
The mark of folly with your wit. 

Th' Italian School you scarce too much 
Can reverence, (what is truly such) 

* Vide Note C. at the end. 
Vide Martin's Milton, and Martin's blacking. 



82 



I cannot say that of the Dutch ; 

*Both, Berghem, Cuyp must all delight 

With sunny landscapes sparkling aright, 

And when you gaze on Vander Veldt, 

The very breeze at sea is felt. 

Rembrandt has a magician's wand, 

And Reubens I confess is grand ; 

Would ! he had been at fairy-land ! 

And Teniers with his happy knots 

Is chearful, when he spares his sots. 

But Hemskirk with his brawls and stabs, 

His reeling drunken boors and drabs 

I hate, detest ; and so Ostade 

May make one sick — it makes one mad, 

At exhibitions and collections, 

To see our ladies' chaste complexions 

In ignorant adoration bow 

Before thy water-doctors, Dow ; — 

Painters of mopsticks and old stools 

You're worthless, and degrade your Schools. 

Ye Landscape Painters raise your brushes 
Above mere thistles, docks and rushes, 
Nor prostitute the "Art divine" 
Like Morland with his grunting swine, 

* Both the Painter. 



! 



83 

Fit sign painter for " the Boar's Heads," 

Of ragged donkies and old sheds. 

The Poussins, Claude, Salvator, knew 

What dignity to art was due ; 

You, would you gain a painter's name, 

Seek beauty, grace, the nobler aim ; 

Low vulgar tastes abominate, 

Love what is, and yourself be, great. 

Ye Landscape Painters, fly, pursue, 
Where nature hides herself from view, 
By cavern'd rock, by haunted streams, 
All visited by fairy-dreams ; 
By mountain, dingle, dell and dale, 
And that sweet valley Nightingale.* 
Pursue and catch her as she flies, 
And then — beware her witcheries. — 
Make her obey, and not command ; 
Then with your talisman in hand 
Bid her the palette's slav€ to fly, 
And search all climes with curious eye, 
And swifter than an Ariels' wing 
Lay at your feet her offering. — 
— But slacken we poetic speed, 
At sober prose-like pace proceed. 
Art is Heaven's gift, to man decreed, 
* In the Woods below Clifton. 



} 



laid ; J 



84 



The master genius of the mind ; 

Nature the outward form and rind 

Of the created world's domain, 

Where genius was design'd to reign. 

— Ye woods of pleasant Leigh, shall I 

Again your happy tenant lie, 

Shelter'd beneath o'er-arching rock, 

And trees that wildly shoot and lock 

To form a green mysterious shade, 

As if a fairy-ambuscade, 

Beneath those trembling leaves were 

And silence breath'd intelligence, 

And stocks and stones had living sense, 

And touch'd by nickering golden gleam, 

Were waking from an antient dream, 

To tell of tales of days of old. 

— Then all would strange communion hold, 

Rock, glade and bower— tho' mortal ear, 

Their charmed voice might never hear, 

But yet their magic influence feel, 

Secrets that unseen sprites reveal ; 

Till we could fancy—" Who are we ?" 

Quoth Dull, " from senseless reverie 

Arise, your fancies ! be exact, 

There's nothing sense but matter o'fact. 

—We, who are we— what is't not true ?" 

Go Dull, how much I pity you ; 

And who are we — say Cumberland, 



} 



} 



85 



Thou'st been with rae to Fairy-land, 

Thy sunny eye, thy jocund chat, 

And sense that flow'd as quick as that, 

Thy love of me and Painter's art, 

Thy wit, benignity of heart, 

Thy very self and all thou art 

Have charm'd those scenes, we could not leave 

From sunny morn till dewy eve ; 

And we have laugh'd our cares away, 

If cares we had, full many a day ; 

'Tis thou must vouch for all I say. 

And thou friend Gold would'st seek our bower, 

And King would sometimes steal an hour, 

And laugh, and shake his sides for joy, 

And show 'tis wise to play the boy. — 

And — but I dare not thoughts awake 

That cause my very heart to ache, 

To think what has been, now is not i 

— But some things will not be forgot. 



Ye Painters, people wood, and lawn, 
With fairy, satyr, nymph and faun ; 
Not vulgar bumkins coarse ill-bred, 
All sweating for their daily bread ; 
At antient Grecian fables glance, 
Or Ariosto's sweet romance 
Of rescued dame and broken lance, 



j 



86 

Of shelter'd loves in hollow nooks, 
By which shall run enchanted brooks. 
— Embody from the sacred page, 
Stories of patriarchal age — 
— .Or theme sublime — the fiery rain, 
Departing Lot, the blazing plain ; 
Heaven's vengeance upon Egypt dealt ; 
It's blood, — it's darkness to be felt ; 
— The sinners creeping into cleft 
And hole of rock, — the land bereft, — 
The awful pause, till wrath awake, 
And God arise the world to shake. 

These, these are themes, that may proclaim, 
So Danby finds, an artist's fame. 
Learn this ye painters of dead stumps, 
Old barges, and canals, and pumps, 
Paint something fit to see, no view* -j 

Near Brentford, Islington, or Kew— I 

Paint any thing,— but what you do. J 

Did Bristol give no fostering care 
To efforts such as Danby's ; where, 
Where are his pictures, on whose walls ? 
Not I, neglected genius calls. 
None answer ? well — ye monied crew, 

* Vide Catalogues, Exhibition Somerset- House passim. 



87 

Ye've lest but what-^ye never knew. 
Now let him wear, h' has won the palm, 
His life be one long glorious calm. 
Yet are there spirits whom he may rank 
Among his best of friends, and thank, 
That they have urg'd him on to clasp 
The prize, they saw within his grasp. 

The Bristol School ! how rose it there ? 
Let Bird, Gold, Eden, King declare ; 
Their modest worth is dumb, — forbear. 



i 



-i 



Friend Gold, thy name has given a smart. 
Not for thyself, for still thou art 
Within the grasp of hand of friend ; 
A short day's journey, — thou the end- 
There's not so much amiss to mend. 
But half the globe's an awful screen 
With all it's lands and seas, between 
Thy brother and ourselves, alas ! 
That he should like a meteor pass, 
And like a sun-beam's trackless haste, 
That darts across a thankless waste. 
There stands not on art's glorious roll 
A genius of a brighter soul, 
So deep, so vivid, so intense 
With powers to grasp magnificence. 



88 



Bristol has lent full many a name 
To fill th' •' obstreporous trump of fame.' 
Sir Thomas Lawrence, President 
Of the R. A's, pre-eminent ; 
In genius vigorous, yet refin'd, 
Noble in art, yet more in mind — 
Sweet-temper'd, gifted Lawrence, great, 
In singleness of heart innate ; 
Pleas'd others genius to commend, 
And kind a ready hand to lend 
To merit, when it wants a friend. 
And gorgeous Turner, apt to waste 
His strength on novelties unchaste, 
Which his vast genius stamps with taste. 
And Bird,* poor Bird, when will regret 
Er'e cease, that such a star is set? 
Now, for his name must still be dear, 
Ye citizens be proud to chear 
His drooping house, their state survey, 
And help his children on their way. 

But let us turn to living worth 
And brighter views — come, Bailey, forth, 
And should grim death that huntsman scare 
And start an Alderman or May'r, 
And hunt him as you'd hunt a hare, 

* Vide Note D. at the end. 



i 



3 



89 

With those fell bloodhounds in the rout. 
The stone, the dropsy and the gout ; 
Or in plain terras, should he decay, 
And look to death and quarter day, 
To quit his tenement of clay, 
At that sad hour should he despair 
To trust such matters to his heir ; 
And by last will and testament 
Provide for his own monument ; 
Bailey's his man, in spite of death, 
To chissel* in again his breath ; 
Make blood reflow in marble vein, 
And set him on his legs again. 

Such Bristol once were your's, and then, 
Perhaps you gloried in the men. 
Be that however as it will, 
Some names of note are left you still, 
And keep them — keep them as you ought 
Pictures are painted to be bought : 
Painters are of this earth beneath, 
Have, given them with their genius, — teeth, 
Stomachs that hunger, thirst and faint, 
Stomachs for other things than paint, 

* What fine chissel could ever yet cut death,— Shahpeare, 



90 



You still have Rippingille. Have seen 
His Canynge's funeral ? Does it mean 
No more than that one Canynge died, ") 

Ask Rippingille, and he'll deride > 

The thought, that he should pamper pride, J 
" That Master Canynge," he would say, 
u Was the Maecenas of his day, 
" He lov'd the arts— he lov'd mankind, 
" The purpose of his bounteous mind 
" Was all to bless, and none offend ; 
" And Poet Rowley was his friend. 
" He built yon church, nor knew he spent 
" A fortune on his monument. 
11 Go, do thou likewise, and I'll spread 
"My canvas to preserve thy head." 

The picture's bought by Acraman, 
For which go, chuse him Alderman. 
You've Jackson, Johnson*, but which son, 
T' admire most, or Jack or John, 
'Tis hard to tell ; some future day "1 

The bigger world may doubt to say, > 

I'm sure they both will make their way. J 
You'vejSoLMEs's, son and father, 
That Holmes has always taught, he rather 
Should twenty years ago have tried 

* Johnson has been starved out, and has followed Danby. 



- 



01 

His hand at something else beside, 

— Perhaps he has been the better guide. 

Then you have Branwhite, who can paint 
You all, from sinner up to saint. 
Go sit, he'll hit you to a hair, 
And all as like as you can stare. 

Fortunate Citizens ! who now 
Can give posterity the brow 
That looks a mittimus, the frown 
Official, sword, and civic gown ; 
Or sleek and saintly glossy look, 
With finger upon holy book ; 
And down smooth'd hair, and eye serene, 
For the Evangelical Magazine. 
Lovers, in red morocco cases, 
May hand down sentimental faces, 
Genteel, pathetic, and forlorn, 
To children that are yet unborn. 
Wives, daughters, sit — 'tis Branwhite's brush 
Can make immortal smile and blush ; 
'Tis he can paint with nicest care 
Your locks of Mr. Franklin's hair ; 
Can make your noses, e'en tho' snubs, 
Just like those Grecian ones of Bubbs :* 

f Elegant female figures over the Commercial Room— Bubb's 
Commercial Graces. 



92 



Reduce too, at the slightest hint, 

A gimlet to a gentle squint ; 

Can paint your screw'd up mouths so small, 

As if you had no mouths at all. 

Fortunate Citizens, hand down 

To after ages of renown, 

Which Branwhite's pencil can insure 

Your worth, wit, wisdom's portraiture, 

Just as they are — in miniature.— 

The Painters I have nam'd are eight, 
All of good mettle and true weight — 
The wonders of the world made even, 
Who dares to say they are but seven. 

I like the letter of G. C* 
His plan, the life academy ; 
But that's not all, the arts must share 
A larger portion of our care ; 
Where M Liberal Arts" are mostly priz'd, 
There are mankind most civilized. 
Without that intellectual test, 
We're but barbarians finely drest. 
Follow the British Institution, 
Afford a liberal contribution ; 

* Vide Felix Farley, 14th Jan. 1826. 



i 



93 



And annual prizes, purchase — purchase, 
— Give to your public buildings, churches. 
Raise private galleries of your own, 
Let in your taste your wealth be shown. 
The Medici were men of trade, 
Yet see what Florence has been made. 

But why despair ? the means are ample, 
There are who set no bad example ; 
You've noble galleries at Leigh, 
Nor lack of liberality ; 
And Acraman has done his part, 
Been long a patron of the art. 
I could say more — but 'tis enough, 
For I would not be thought to puff.— 
Annual returns of exhibition, 
These galleries had in requisition 
With city treasuries to unbar ; 
These my poor rhymes, and E. V. R.* 
Taking the cudgels with G. C. 
— Who knows what better things may be ? 

Do Bears! to amity return' d 
Keep to their Bush, j or is it spurn'd ? 

* Vide Felix Farley, Jan. 14, 1826. 
f A literary Club, 
f: Bush Tavern, where the Club met. 



94 

Does bear, with broken chain, forswear 
The company of brother bear ? 
Where is Arctophylax,* to drub 
The hide of each rebellious cub ? 
Unmuzzle, let him stir the club. — 

Time was, I recollect, they met 
A constellation — is it set ? 
All stars of the first magnitude, 
Sublime in glorious altitude, 
" For ever singing as they shone;" 
The Vox Stellarum — is it gone ? 
But to descend to mortal hearth, 
Where are these recreant sons of earth ? 
'Tis said, I trust it is not true, 
Some precious knot of dames all blue, 
Detain them, poor besotted things, 
Tied to their apron and blue strings, 
Charm'd, — but 'tis hard to say by what— 
There's no Aspasia in the knot, 
T' enhance the wisdom one embraces; 
Learning's peculiar sort of graces 
Oft dwell in rather ursine faces. 



j 



i 



* Arctophylax is the constellation near the Great Bear, so 
styled from his always observing the Bear. The Rev. ■ 
was our Arctophylax. 



95 

With such as these are they content 
To laud, applaud, and compliment ; 
To lose their senses throu gh their eyes, 
That wink celestial extacies ; 
Slaves of a female coterie, 
Small literature and snug hohea ? 
A set of slip-sloppers, and tea-men, 
Spoon- feeders, wishy-washy, she-men, 
Water spiders, tea-kettle-soakers, 
All noodle-headed blue-bottle brokers. 
Up with thy scourge, Arctophylax, 
And whirl it well about their backs ; 
The dove-cot rout, their convent, then 
Go whip them back into their den ; 
And I will help thee in these lines 
To lash the folly, that inclines 
Great Bears to turn old Ursulines. 

O delicate, and slender maws, 
Tea suckers, henceforth suck your paws ! 
Would you believe it, time was, when 
We met, ate, drank, and laugh'd like men, 
And quarrell'd not with fish or flesh, 
And piqu'd ourselves on this, that fresh 
Good oysters with humane dispatch 
Went glibly down nor felt a scratch ; 
And then we quaff'd a glorious liquor, 



! 



96 

That made our spirits flow the quicker ; 
Had Homer known it, it is odds, 
'T had been the beverage of the Gods, 
The true Ambrosian dew and nectar, 
It might have made Thersites Hector, 
And made him soon forget the bunch 
Upon his back— such power has Punch. 
'Tis hard to tell you whence may come 
This merry name, perhaps from Rum, 
Which must from punchion flow, or is't, 
I'm no great etymologist, 
From that dram-atlc punch, whose beliy. 
Grew round on punches, as on jelly. 

But these things were. Troy was— the glory 
Of Ilium now's but read in story. 
These joys were our's, when flourished Nott, 
True learning's very Polyglott ; 
Facetious, witty, sweetly wise, 
As his own Horace testifies ; 
Witness Tibullus, and Joannes 
Secundus, thought by duller cranies 
Too warm, he thought them frigid zanies. 
Dear pleasant Nott, thou bear of bears! 
How ill the world without thee wears. 
How oft would he in merry joke 
The water-drinking tribe provoke, 



i 



97 

And shake in 's throat th' Horatian line, 

" Aquarius* is a wat'ry sign — 

" Saddens the year, so give me wine — 

" Ride your own hobby-horse for me, 

" If aught — I hate on earth — 'tis tea." 

Then would he rail against all teas,f 

Th' whole empire of the curst Chinese ; 

And toss his head 'gainst bohea, hyson, 

As he were horned bull or bison. 

Not e'en Anacreon could escape, 

The Teian Bard, % tho' choak'd by grape. 

Oh ! these were nights of mirth and sense, 
Of sweet debate, and eloquence ; 
Learn'd disputations, classic chat, 
To which the famous Nodes Att. 
Of Aulus Gellius were but flat. 

Farewell ! thou'rt gone, and all is up ; 
Thou'st ate thy dish, and drank thy cup, 
Thy Horace^ says, nor yet shall time, 
What thou hast sweetly said in rhyme, 

* Contristat Aquarius annum.— Hor. 

f Vide Song at the end of the Volume, 
| Nee si quid lusit Anacreon 
Delevit aBtas.— Hor. 

§ Edisti satis atque bibisti.— Ibid. 



\ 









98 

Destroy, tho' he has cut thy thread — 
While Persian Hafiz shall he read. 

What are we, but death's garden-plants, 
Who cuts us down just as he wants, 
And says we all must go to pot,* 
Grand cauliflowers some, some not, 
Big-bellied cucumbers or greens, 
And some Pythagoras's beans. 
Our vessel, Drydent says, will run 
To dregs, then death upsets the tun. 
We must be off, says Horace, sent 
Where Numa and where Ancus went : 
But there the way-worn, halt, and blind, 
May leave their pack of carfs behind, 
If they have trod their steps aright, 
And doff their rags for purer white : 
Of such high state from change exempt, 
Numa and Ancus scarcely dreamt. 

Death knocks at all our doors they say 
But not exactly the same way ; 
At some he gives a gentle tap 

* Omnium versatur urna.— -Hor. 

t The vessel of his bliss to dregs is run.— Dryden. 

Cock and Fox. 






-^ ^ 



99 

And is let in — a thundering rap 

At others ; — on some finds it writ 

" Remov'd" — -that means as dead 's a nit-— 

On others " call next door — all well;" 

On others " please to ring the hell." 

Some he finds fast, with holt and har, 

And some are kindly left ajar. 

The poor man's mostly on the latch, 

Or open wide for quick dispatch, 

When parish doctors go before 

In too much haste to shut the door. 

Like Proteus he assumes all shapes, 
Sometimes th' apothecary apes 
On founder'd mare, sometimes his 'prentice, 
Trudging on foot to humbler entries ; 
And sometimes makes a grand approach, 
Doctor of physic in a coach. 

And should friend Fox a man of skill 
Be call'd in, where death means to kill 
Some sinner with gout, stone or phthisic, 
Ere this consummate man of physic 
(His chariot standing at the door) 
Can touch the step, death stalks before, 
And from his seat the coachman knocks, 
Then takes the place of Doctor Fox 
And bids the Devil mount the box ; 



i 






100 

Thus the black undertaker thrives, 

For "needs must, where the Devil drives." 

Let's try another point of view. 

foolish man ! if it be true, 

What flattering newspapers report all, 
'Tis thy own fault, if thou art mortal : 
If there are cures for all diseases, 
And every man may live that pleases, 
'Gainst public watchfulness for health, 
How strange you will grow sick by stealth ; 
'Tis indiscreet and most unwise ! 
You see the heavy penalties 
Laid on the dead — and on the quick 
That have the boldness to be sick— 
Expensive drugs for humours latent, 
The very pills you take are patent, 
Nurses to pay, physicians' fees, 
That of themselves are a disease. 

And when you're laid upon your backs, 
Your haunted by the leg'cy tax ; 
(If that be thine, O Matthew Wright,* 

1 owe thee for't, and will requite) 
Probate, and duty on your will, 
And dismal undertaker's bill. 

* One of the reputed authors of the tax. 



i 



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101 

You came into this world without 
Much treasure, and the gaping rout 
Take care you carry nothing out, 
By leaving you not much to take ; 
And government's so kind, to make 
Provision to keep in your breath, 
By laying such high tax on death. 
Well might the thinking Irish cry, 
"Why, Paddy Murphy did you die ?" 

I grant, to those whose heads are blocks, 
I seem to deal in paradox. 
First prove we " all must go to pot ;" 
Refute and show that we must not, 
To contradict, say black is white, 
Nor seem V attain an object by't, 
Except a slap at Matthew Wright. 
Not so — 'tis but a figure of speech, 
That means the self-same truths to teach 
By opposites, as Math'maticians 
B' absurdum prove their propositions, 
Two parallels make not a prism ; 
Unity is made out of schism ; 
Logicians try a syllogism, 
By contradictory and absurd, 
Make two agree but by a third. 

G 2 



1 



! 
} 



102 

'Tis thus Philosophers abstract 
From nullities a matter o'fact ; 
Prove t' you, that ev'ry thing is nought ; 
Matter a globule but of thought; 
And dash your head 'gainst Berkeley's wall 
By qualities saxipetal, 
Then prove you have no head at all ; 
Run needles through your thumbs to th' quick 
To prove things do not touch that prick, 
And kick your shins quite raw t' explain, 
The wound is only in your brain. 



Why do Philosophers compel 
Truth to go down into a well ? 
Except that they may pull and strain 
The more to get her up again. 
She must be tortur'd, duck' d— what not, 
Before she'll tell you what is what, 
And then 'tis only by a knot, 
Which with great difficulty and cavil 
You're scarcely able to unravel. 



i 



j 



Truth knows, what's plain before you set, 
You almost instantly forget ; 
And deals in chaos and confusion 
To bring you to a clear conclusion. 
Thus light and darkness, cheek by jole, 



103 

Lie dormant in the blackest coal ; 
Where brightest gas is form'd mature, 
In Milton's " palpable obscure." 

Thus we've heard Lect'rers by rule 
Show common sense to be a fool ; 
That scarce can any thing disclose 
Nor see an inch beyond her nose ; 
That th' use of metaphysics and science 
Is to bid common sense defiance. 
We've heard them tell all nature's wonders, 
That seem'd at first egregious blunders ; 
Which unless argued ad absurdum, 
We soon should have forgot we'd heard 'em. 

Bristol ! since for the mind's expansion, 
You've built Philosophy a mansion, 
Where you may show your darling scions, 
For nothing, every day the lions,* 
No doubt, you'll hear these things again, 
(I never will though, to be plain) 
Since now Philosophy's in vogue, 
And far-fetch'd leturers disembogue. 

The time will come, ah me ! to think, 

*,The Philosophers have recently purchased a dead one. 



104 

You're even now on danger's brink. 
Ye lofty citizens, who keep 
Your nobler faculties asleep, 
Rise, will ye never be persuaded, 
You're shortly all to be invaded I 
You'll have the rabble at your heels; 
You hear the military peals 
From every ragamuffin scamp 
In " General Education's" camp ; 
What martial spirit they diffuse 
In drum and trumpeting Reviews, 
Close Columns, and their Magazines, 
Stuff'd with mechanical machines, 
Now mobs erect triumphal arch 
For General " Intellect on the march."* 
Atheist stalks forth a pioneer, 
And bully Steam as engineer, 
His horse-artillery force increases 
Merely to blow you all to pieces. 
While rebel-standards flourish o'er 'em, 
And Patent Broom sweeps all before 'em. 

O give the vagabonds the lash, 
Before your gentle toes they smash 
With their experimental rammers, 

* Vide John Bull. 



s 



105 

And knock your brains out with their hammers- 
For argument let's lay aside 
This march and military stride ; 
What is this Universal Scheme ? — 
The cant of knaves or maniac's dream. 

Suppose your citizens agree 
To have their University 
Built on the float — " Stinkomalee" — 
Where unwash'd journeymen may paddle 
In Stinko-pool, and stir and addle 
Their brains in scientific twaddle. 
Where 'prentices, turn'd Solomons, 
May cross the Asinorum Pons ; 
And learn their craft by diagrams ; 
And show, that parallelograms 
Are figures quadrilateral, 
Quinquangular's pentagonal ; 
Where labourers may lie all a-bed 
T' invent machines to work instead ; 
And chimney-sweeps take high degrees, 
Make smoke-jacks sweat their wheels to grease ; 
And prove a chimney-pot observes 
The planetary laws of curves, 
And measure with cylindric peep 
The intellects they mean to sweep.* 

A chimney sweeper told his employer, he always considered 
the intellects of a chimney before he swept it ! 



106 

O, then what schemes will they project, 
And charter'd companies erect. 
Ships without crews, whate'er the wind is, 
In fourteen days to reach the Indies, 
With patent wings of herring's fins, 
And cables of potatoe-skins. — 
To tame a fleet of Greenland whales, 
To guard the channel with their tails ; 
Save soldiers' victualling and hire, 
By making men of straw and wire, 
Galvanic batteries to defend, 
Electrified at either end ; 
That, when the enemy attacks, 
May kill them by electric thwacks. — 
To shoot the milky way with steam, 
That it may drop down milk and cream — 
Cause snow to melt itself to ale, 
And make rice-puddings out of hail. 
Sell patent pickaxe-shoes for moles 
To dig in mines and throw up coals. 
Drugs to make creditors forget, 
Whereby to pay the public debt. 
To tax the rich who cannot give 
Good reason, why they ought to live. 
— Then O ye noodles good and great, 
Who govern and adorn the state, 
When such wise-owlish madness thrives, 



107 

I'd not give twopence for your lives ; 
Your mansions will be turn'd to shops, 
And dandy's heads be sold for mops. 

The world is mad and quite undone 
Since Senex,* thou wert twenty-one ; — 
All people poke their noses now 
Or any where, or any how, 
And into other's business pry, 
Like Joseph Hume and Mrs. Fry ; 
In snuggest schemes our hopes trepan, 
And bolt all matters to the bran. 

'Twas then a sober world and staid, 
With little done and little said ; 
A world of drowsyhead hum-drum, 
When all that should'nt speak were dumb, 
And kept in awe by fe, fa, fum ! 
And doflf'd their hats, and stepp'd aside as 
Pass'd Alderman, or Justice Midas. 
E'en taste lethargic grew, and dead, 
No mad Der Freischutz split one's head ; 
Then Tragedy, no more severe, 
In softest accents touch' d the ear ; 
Like Colley Cibber's maudlin Lear. 



i 



i 



* A supposed Bristol Alderman, father of the Corporation, 
privy to a notable, as well as profitable, speculation in corn, in 
a year of scarcity. 



108 

Nor Hunts nor Cobbetts flourished then, 

No universal suffrage men. 

Then politicians did but dream, 

And doze on by-gone dull old theme 5 

A manifesto at the Hague, 

And little knew of war or plague 

Beyond Kotzwara's * " Battle of Prague 

Would strange events sometimes occur 

The sober dull serene to stir, 

And change th' eternal hue of drab, 

Heads did but meet in close confab, 

And nod awhile like Mandarins, 

Or figures upon Indian screens. 

Thus, when old Drowsy wont to keep 
His congregation fast asleep, 
While heaven-ward he in under tone 
Sixteenthly journied — all alone, — 
While jiv^d, upon their latter end, 
His flock were folded all and penn'd, 
If looby bumkin chanc'd to dream 
Of hogs or oxen, cart or team, 
And bob'd his nose upon the bench, 
Or bawl'd in's sleep to couutry wench — 
"Mally, be deef — stap out tha houze ; 

* His Sonata. 



1 



109 

" I've dreev'd em, do e melk the couze."* 

Th' irreverend voice of stupid clod 

Is heard throughout the " land of Nod." 

The noise assaults each slumbering ear ; 

First sexton, clerk, then overseer, 

Then grand churchwarden hears a buzz, 

As patient as the man of Uz. 

From aisle to aisle, from pew to pew 

The sleepy heads are rais'd to view, 

Then drop again to soft repose, 

For t'other thirty minutes doze ; 

Till " Now to God," or hundredth psalm 

Dismiss them pious, good, and calm. — 



men i 

:, 1 



But Drowsy's dead ; — far different men 
Have seiz'd his cushion ; Senex, when 
Will flocks dare sleep as they did then ? 
Th' whole world's now quite a different thing, 
'Tis all on stilts— " God save the King," 
Since mercersi seize their counter yards, 
And threaten to cut down his guards. 

Hast thou, Sir Richard Vaugha'n, thou 
knight, 
A recreant been in ladies* sight ? 

* Devonshire dialect. 
f Waithman and the dragoons. 



110 

Is't like thee gentle dames to fright ? 

What ! tho' they were not " unsunn'd snow, 

And danc'd with meretricious toe ; 

I'd rather been some shag-ear'd Pan, 

And danc'd — unlike an Alderman, 

Following after Hamadryads, 

Whether by singles, pairs or triads; 

Had rather been a rustic faun, 

Than thou, uncourtly Richard Vaughan 

With arm of magisterial brawn, 

That could that Mittimus indite ; 

Plain Richard — thou art not a Knight. 

I had expected something kind 

Was in thy placid heart enshrin'd ; 

Thou hast a mild and pleasant eye, 

And one that ever should be dry. 

Thy open forehead, and thy sleek, 

Unruffled brow, and ruddy cheek, 

Much gentler courtesy bespeak. 

Thou hast forgot thyself awhile, 

Resume thy better self, and smile ; — 

'Tis true, some * Censor, in a pet, 

Has lash'd thee rather harshly, yet 

I should be loth a sadder mood 

Than's wont, should waste thy flesh & blood 

For faith ! it looks for better food. 

* Vide the Bristol Mercury. 



■i 



i 



■} 



Ill 

Courage, Sir Richard, some years hence 
I'll break a lance in thy defence. 

Suppose the Parliament dissolv'd. — 
How much, Friend Felix, is involv'd 
In that event, must be a question 
Will cause to some a poor digestion. 
But how will't be with you — -Is Davis, 
Still as he was, the " vara avis ;" 
Has he the general voice, the test 
That he has shone among the best, 
Erect, in talents, mind and zeal, 
The champion of the common weal, 
With Canning, Liverpool, and Peel ? 
He has ; — 'twere well for me and you, 
If every man so did his do. 
Wealthier there may be ;— well ! what then ? 
Pope wisely tells us " worth makes men." 
Weigh well your scales by worth and sense, 
And not by paltry pounds and pence. 
Your puffy purse-proud scoundrel miser 
Is just as poor, and nothing wiser, 
Than kis ignorant idolizer, 
That stares until his eyes are sore, 
At the large knocker at his door. — 
Open it wide — let's in and dine, 
And share your ven'son and your wine, 



s 



] 



112 

Or what's your wealth to me or mine ? 
The man to money a mere slave is 
Who calls for Dives, I for Davis. 
A plumper for thee without fraud, 
Good Davis, Cicero's line I laud, 
" Force is a lion, fraud a *fox," 
Be all thy friends as firm as rocks, 
All f lion-hearted^ and for help 
I'll roar, a good old lion's whelp. 

My praise let th'other member share, 
I have a pennyworth to spare, 
Which he has won, so let him wear ; 
So wear, that is to say, provided, 
He stick no grosser praise beside it, 
And have them gilded on his flags, 
When next he's chair'd by human nags, 
And necks, that scarcely own superiors, 
Are underneath his grand posteriors. 
His colours I could spare, their hue 
Is — I should know, if they were blue. 
H' has boldly set his staff within, 
The ring of Fame, bids fair to win ; 

* Fraus vulpeculfe vis Leonis. — Cicero de Officiis. — 
Perhaps the author alludes to the Fox Club, though we do not 
exactly know his meaning. — Editor. 

f White Lion Club. 



i 



113 

If true ; the battle half is won, 
That's bravely, strenuously begun. 

There was a place where Learning * rais'd 
Her unassuming head unprais'd— - 
Stands she still pinch'd for room and cold, 
The while Philosophy, more bold, 
Grows strong and lusty, to belabour 
Her modest unpretending neighbour ? 
Or while in quiet hole she lurks, 
Perchance like Monsieur Mole she works 
Her secret path, e're she display 
Her building to the blaze of day. 
Whate'er it be, where'er it rise, 
Do let it's structure please our eyes, 
Nor imitate or form a plan, 
Of Paty's monstrous patipan !t 
The London Architects intent 
Less on a solid base, than rent, 
Made such a one, as quarter'd, rot 'em, 
The Custom House from top to bottom ; 
Beware of such, for tottering domes 
May cause worse battle 'mong your tomes,^: 

* Bristol Library. 
f The Merchants' Hall, sedificated by Patit, somewhat in 
the shape of a patipan, as emblematical of the use for which it 
was intended. 

| Swift's Battle of Books. 



114 

And stones and bricks your authors hit, 
Much harder than each other's wit. 
Now Heav'n preserve it from such din, 
And ever keep good Peace * within. 

Say, have you still your annual dose 
Of discontent, when dull Morose 
Interrogates, complains and proses, 
While all the learned blow their noses ; 
Or does he, finding few will hear, 
Lend less of voice and more of ear, 
And keep his vinegar for his domus, 
A serious antidote to Momus? 
I would be gentle, have the milk 
Of human kindness soft as silk, 
Which somehow, when 't'would flow in words, 
A grim sour visage turns to curds. 

Querulous people I detest, 
And shun them as I would a pest ; 
I hate all noise, complaint and strife, 
Especially 'twixt man and wife ; 
All Courts of Law, and the twelve Judges, 
Counsel, Attornies, and their drudges, 
Constables, Plaintiffs, and Defendants. 
Methodists, Ranters, Independents; 

* Probably a pun upon Mr. Peace, Librarian. 






115 

All furious zeal, and stuff and cant, 

'T'wixt Catholic and Protestant, 

All Radicals, and Whigs ironical, 

Especially the Morning Chronicle. 

Ail innovation and suggestion, 

O'Connel and the Catholic Question, 

The latter half the world are testy on. 

Clerical Irish disputations, 

Pope's Bulls and Excommunications, 

Council, Anathema and Ban, 

And Canons of the Lateran ; 

In short th' whole babbling brawl and fable ; 

Of Papish Babylon or Babel. 

Be mine life's unobserv'd and quiet 

Retiring path, secure from riot, 

Like that which leads through peaceful dell 

To haunt of friends, not hermit's cell. 

And since I'm no Prasadamite, 

But to improvement proselyte, 

No advocate for anno 1, 

'T'were quite as well, the course I've run 

Should be with better skill revis'd. 

And all my ways Macadamis'd ; 

That with few trips, and not one fall, 

I may pursue my path, though small, 

Yet large enough, if friends will call, 

And tell me how the bigger world, 



i 



i 



116 

Life's humming top, by fashion's twirl'd, 
And how it spins, and sleeps, and sinks 
I'd not he blind, nor yet a lynx, 
Nor deal in riddles like a sphynx. 






Does the Mendicity Society* 
Preserve their begging notoriety, 
And hunt through streets, and lanes, and holes. 
Poor beggars, unprotected souls ? 
For he's soon caught that limping begs, 
Necessitas non habet legs A 
Which means, that he of " doleful dumps," 
Couldn't run away upon his stumps. 
O aptly nam'd with true felicity 
Of term, " Society Mendicity !" 
They are all universal beggars, 
Charity's Poyais' state, Mc. Gregors — 
O begging craft, worst of monopolies ! 
So cats, as says Fontaine, Ratopolis 
Completely ruin'd of it's populace 5 
And took themselves th' exclusive right 
Of foraging by day and night. 

Thus whilst their beadles scour the city, 
Out rush the ministers of pity ; 

* It is as bankrupt in Bristol, as in London. 
t Necessitas non habet leges,— Vide Chevy Chacje. 



j 



117 

Male, female, young and old — the cry 
Is up, — for sweet St. Charity ! 
— Now, what subscriptions fly about, 
For new-coin'd hymns for the devout ; 
For blankets, counterpanes, and rugs, 
Pap-dishes, warming-pans, and drugs ; 
For miseries new-found out, and old ; 
For miseries never to be told ; 
Miseries of bodies and of souls, 
For German sufferers, and for Poles ; 
For new Committees and Communions, 
Conventicles, and Bethel Unions ? 
Itinerant, coxcomb, ranting preachers 
Fly up and down as gifted teachers, 
Publish by hand-bills and by scouts, 
And weekly twang from canting snouts, 
That the great Stephanoff or ufp 
Is going to preach you stuff-enough; 
To teach the flocks to disrespect 
Their parish-priests, and seek the sect, 
And follow Charity's hub-a-dub 
With hurras for the Bible-Club ! 

An office opens, on what plan ? 
To book by StansteatTs holy van 
Ticketed Jews for Paradice— 
Let's see the PFay-biM — what the price ? 
Ten thousand pounds — and one poor Jew 

h2 



118 

His Christian bacon learns to chew, 
Then laughs for sin agog anew. 
Ten thousand pounds — 'tis but a mite — 
So precious is an Israelite. 

Now gentle Misses Heterodox 
Rattle the Missionary box, 
And beg your sovereign or your guinea, 
For Woahoo and Morotinne ; 
And sweetly of your cash would light ye— 
To send it out to Otaheite. — - 
Now godly school-boys tops neglect, 
And club their pennies for The Sect. 
Pathetic Misses learn the ravages 
Committed by the horrid savages ; 
And each religious " goody- two-shoes" 
Clubs sixpence to convert the Loo Choos. 
—Whilst real charity, the bond 
Of nature, yields to vagabond ; 
Whilst natural Charity of brother, 
Of sister, husband, father, mother, 
Turns selfish, shuts up heart, and stores, 
And turns affection out of doors ; 
Wallows like brutal hog in mire, 
And snores like a Carthusian Friar. 
— All, all are mad — whome'er you meet, 
Or friend or stranger in the street, 



119 

This is the salutation us'd. 

*' Subscribe, subscribe" — you'd stand excus'd; 

What then, — you would be off— not so, 

You're caught, he will not let you go ; 

Your cormorant never leaves the wreck ; 

" You must subscribe, here — write your cheque." 

Stunn'd by the persecuting tribe, 

At length you're conquer'd — and subscribe. 

O that one had a name whose sound 

Alone, would stand for twenty pound ; 

A ducal, royal-ducal wonder, 

That all would gladly put their's under, 

Baronial or Right Honorable, 

Magnifi pseudo charitable, 

Such as like Nugent's might be fit 

To play for one's own benefit ; 

And claim a noble perquisite.* 

We then at least might save our cash, 

Who dares to say, a good name's trash ? 



i 



There are have found out a new way, 
Their saintly charities to pay — 
Ask Lawyer Smooth — he knows — but stay- 
Stay — ask him not,»by heav'ns you'll rue.— 
'Tis six and eightpence if you do. 

* Vide the columns of John Bull— passim* 



' 



120 

Go be his client, pay his bill ; 
You'll find whose grist is in the mill, 
When in each charitable list, 
The name of Smooth is never miss'd.— - 
— Has he no conscience you will cry ? 
No conscience ! yes — one conscience Sly — 
' Conscience makes cowards of us all' 
Was an old saying, 'ere a call 
Made Saints send Conscience to the wall. 
Conscience is but his articl'd clerk, 
That keeps his private ledger — mark-^ 
An account current stands therein; 
Cr. Charity— Dr. Sin- 
How stands the balance on the whole ? 
A mite in favor of his soul. 
Go on and prosper, Lawyer Smooth, 
And bid the Devil take down his booth, 
To two-fold profit while you look, 
T'enrol your name in Heaven's good book, 
And bring more gudgeons to your hook. 

Why is't, that all detest the state 
And manners of your would-be great, 
As if the world were only made 
For them to figure in, and trade ? 
As they were earth's sole lords and giants, 
And we their miserable clients ? 



i 



j 



1*21 

How big the boobies ignorance suckles ! 

My quondam school-fellows, whose knuckles 

Have play'd with me at taw and top, 

Now pass me by, nor deign to drop 

The eyes of their sublime disparity 

To th' level of familiarity. 

While in the pockets of their breeches 

They dive, and count, and twirl with twitches 

Their cash, delightiug in the rattle ; — 

So greedy graziers grope their cattle. 

— E'en let them pass, look grand and grim, 

My back as much is turn'd on him, 

Who passing turns his back on me, 

And thinks he scorns my company. 

I do not value them a flea ; 

No — nor the paring of my nail ; 

All vulgar vanity's full sail. 

What are these little great, that so 
Like dunghill cocks at home they crow ? 
Of purer race, of nobler blood, 
Or Bristol diamonds, mud, mud, mud. 
Are they of finer clay ? 'twere mockery 
To call them ^or^elain,— vulgar crockery — 
Wise, learned are they ? no, much pains 
They take, to show their lack of brains. 
What none of these ! — what are they then ? 



i 



122 

You have the secret — monied men. — 

Alike, all wormwood of one sap, 

All vermin of the self-same trap. — 

See one, 'tis ten to one, you'll find 

Another following close behind ; 

Your purse-proud men like wild geese sail 

With each his brother at his tail. 

So dogs, whose instinct's in the snout, 

Contrive to smell each other out, 

As if they knew a master of arts 

By smelling at his hinder parts. 

O little vanity, O thirst 
And pride of money, pride the worst ! 
O bestial ignorance, and the glut 
Of fools of th' ill-form'd occiput ! 
Would ! that the Craniologist, 
Spurtzeleim, with scientific fist 
Would lay about him well and thump. 
And level every odious bump ! 
Then might he mould to human shapes, 
The heads of all conceited apes ; 
Give knaves and rogues, poltroons and gulls, 
A harmless turnip each for skulls. 



'Tis said by, as I think, Montaigne, 
That fortune over things mundane, 



123 

That she might reign Queen paramount, 

Vex'd, upon taking an account 

Of all her gifts and seigniories, 

To find, she could'nt make fools wise, 

Resolv'd at least to make them rich, 

To kick their betters in the breech. 

I wonder Painters make her blind ; 
For with this purpose in her mind, 
She seems a most discerning minx, 
And can discriminate like a lynx. 
She's sometimes painted with a wheel, 
Which means th' inquisitorial zeal 
Which wracks poor bankrupts, when they're broke, 
That is, are tortur'd on her spoke. 

Boyardo, in th' Inamorato, 
Makes her as bald as a potatoe, 
Except a single lock before, 
Which very cunningly she wore, 
Spinning about, that none should profit 
By it, or take advantage of it. 
Reminding us what hoards of guineas 
Have been obtained from Spinning Jennies. 

We've seen her with a Cornucopia, 
Pouring the big end on Utopia, 



124 

Her own Bigendians to bless, 

While Littleendians have the less. 

But there's no end, 'twould take one weeks"} 

To say all allegory speaks J- 

Of Fortune's follies and her freaks. J 

All mean this moral to express — 

Judge not of wisdom by success ; 

Keep if you have, if not, make shifts 

To do without her and her gifts. 

Is pugilistic zeal abated, 
The Fancy all sq/isficated ? 
O would ! tho' wishing is but vain, 
The Champion of the School would train, 
And like strong Hercules in fable, 
Would cleanse our own Augean stable, 
With fist of Pollux to make ample 
Fair room, to set a good example ; 
And he would retail out the rigour 
Both of his art and of his vigour — 
I'd bid some certain folks defiance ; 
And buy a penn'worth of his science. 

Two Corporations on our backs \ 
At once our bread and water tax ! I 
What uave your Merchant Venturers done ? 
Would they were all well pump'd upon? 



125 

Deny, from Heaven's all plenteous store 
A draught of water to the poor ! * 
What ! rather see it run to + waste, 
Than let the sick and thirsty taste ! 
Poor burthen' d citizens, you toil 
More hard than camels, o'er a soil 
Of gushing springs, but at the brink 
Stands avarice, lest you dare to drink. 
When Moses struck, and water flow'd, 
'Twas sin, tho' bounteously bestow'd 5 
Because presumption rais'oLthe rod, 
Nor own'd the gracious gift m God ! 
Is the presumption less to stop 
The fount of health, or drop by drop, 
To dole out Heaven's all bounteous J gift 
Like hucksters with penurious thrift ? 
You greedy niggards stretch and strain ; 
The damm'd up stinking harbour drain, 
Then try, monopolize the rain. 

Old Neptune, seeing what you've done 



1 



* The spring is public property ; and the pump or bason 
formerly was accessible to all the world. 

f Ex quo sunt ilia communia, non prohibere aquaprofluente 
&c. &c. — Cicero. 

i Have the Merchant Venturers forgot by w^om it is said, 
" For whosoever shall give a cup of cold water in my name, he 
shall not lose his reward."— St. Mark, 9 chap. 41 verse. 



126 

Has struck his trident, cut and *run ; 
Has put on an incog : and ta'en 
(Ye Gods and little Fish complain !) 
Cheap lodgings up in Water-lane. 



i 



Rise, good St. Peter, and protect 
Your own fair spring — be circumspect ; 
Stand guard with those your massive keys ; 
(Unless they too have cross' d the t seas.) 
Give each invading fool a thump, 
They've seiz'd your spital — save your pump ! 

Poor humble citizen, thy fate 
Might make e'en small-beer poets prate. 
Indeed thou art suck'd very dry, 
As hungry spiders suck a fly, 
Then hang him up till sun and wind 
His wretched carcass have calcin'd. 
Methinks I see thy shrunken shanks 
Bend to the breeze, as if in thanks 
That 't hadn't blown thee off the stones, 
Which thou hast polish'd with thy bones. 
Thou'rt dwindled to a very moth, 
And frettest so — cooling one's broth 

* Statue of Neptune lately removed from Temple -street, 
f Conveyed by the absent Rector to the West-Indies, who 
departed thither soon after having taken possession of them. 



127 

Might blow thee quite away like froth. 
Thou lookest dingy like the sheep, 
The which thy reverend clergy keep 
In College-Green, that hang their tails 3 
And baa so "twixt those iron rails, 
And show their atrabilious plight, 
As if they fed on aconite ; 
Or 'stead of grass or turnip root 
Upon deal shavings and on soot. 

'Tis said, there are three things alone. 
We've any right to call our own ; — 
Our souls, our bodies, goods or chattels, 
I never could discover what else ; 
Yet these, like fleas on a dog's back, 
Peculiar vermin will attack. 
Our goods the lawyers take in hand, 
And eat holes into house and land ; 
Our bodies are at the Physician's 
To mar and maul with free incisions, 
Who innoculate that plague small-pox, 
Lest any should escape their knocks ; 
E'en our poor souls these cormorants draw, 
Which, 'tis the toss up of a straw, 
If saints or sinners clapperclaw. 

O Bristol, rich in fortunes made ? 



i 



128 

la citizens immur'd in trade, 

In ships, in sailors, drags, and drays, 

In cant, conventicles, and quays. 

In painters, — whom you do not cloathe ; 

In poets, — whom I fear you loathe, — 

Who gave to Chatterton his birth, 

And drove him starving from your hearth ; 

Gave him a stone, who wanted bread — 

And famish' d whom you should have fed ! 

Parent of Southey, scarce the nurse, 

Asham'd to own a child of verse ; 

Though lusty grew that child and strong, 

An infant Hercules of song, 

That dar'd his little arms to lift 

Above the aims of vulgar thrift, 

And seize the muses noblest gift ! 

And gave the promise of renown, 

That soon would wear the Laureat-crown. 

Unnatural mother, Bristol, shown 

Unkind, ungrateful to your own ! 

Be bountiful, enlarge your view, 

And when you man your's hip anew,* 

Never forget your native crew. 



i 



i 



And thou ! good Southey, when that day 

* Vide City Arms. 



129 

Shall come, that from thy mortal clay 
Shall quench the fire, for come it must, 
And thou shall rest with honour'd dust ; 
When old Mortality shall split 
Thy pen, yet leave what thou hast writ, 
And with his horrid scythe complete 
A wood cut for thy final sheet ; 
(Unsparing e'en such worth as thine is) 
And shall engrave the fatal — Finis, 
Then Southey, not till then, thy praise 
Thy fellow-citizens shall raise, 
In marhle have thy name embost— 
Perhaps ? — if thou bequeath the cost. 

E'en I, some ages hence, whose chin 
Pierian streams has dabbled in ; 
I, whose poetic nasal whistle 
Is of the true Phcebean gristle, 
Who utter, publish, and translate, 
My Latin rhymes, and dedicate 
To eyes and ears that take no note ; 
When Death shall strip this fleshy coat, 
And throw me by among his ravages, 
Perhaps in such a grave as Savage's 5* 



* Savage the Poet, vide Johnson's Lives, died In St. 
Peter's Hospital, a pauper, and lies buried in St. Peter's 
Church-yard. 



130 

A poet I shall still exist, 

In some new Johnson's British list; 

Nor shall I altogether feed 

The moths and worms, for cits will read ; 

I shall escape oblivion's nook ? 
E'en now I feel myself a book ; 
A real book — 'twill bear recital, 
If I prognosticate my title— 
" Elegantice Latince ; 
u Bilinguis specimen doctrince. 
" Or rhymes in English and in Latin 
" Not bastard, but the genuine satin,* 
"With notes explanatory, and 
" Historical, by an unknown hand, 
" Suppos'd a Citizen of Bristol, 
"A gem, a diamond, a true crystal, 
" This fiftieth elegant edition 
" Under correction and revision 

II Of Lucius Goodenough, D. D. 
"Head-Master of the City Free 
" Establishment! — terms moderate — 
" Where he receives to educate 
cl In all the classical diversities, 
" Young gentlemen for the Universities." 

* Vide Lord Byron's Beppo. 
f There are now but few Schools— Establishment is the fashion. 



131 

Then in gilt binding neatly done 

By Norton, or perhaps his Son ; 

By order of select Committee, 

At cost and charges of the City, 

I shall a splendid presentation 

Be offered to the Corporation, 

To be laid up in civic glory, 

In their sublime repository, 

'Mongst all the treasures of the chest, 

Like them no more to be supprest. 

But now — whilst living, making verses, 

Ye give me nothing, — but your curses. 

Just so, ye citizens ingrate, 

When gentle cats articulate. 

Or at your windows or your doors, 

The serenades of their amours, 

Urg'd by that * amiable insanity, 

As Horace terms such amorous vanity, 

And in chromatic tones and guttural, 

Their learned Epithalamia utter all ; 

Ye have no patience with their tones, 

Fling brick bats at them, sticks and stones, 

And do your best to break their bones 

But soon as they have lost their wind, 

These gentle creatures, caught, and skinn'd, 

* Amabilis Insania.— Hon. 
i 



ones, > 



132 

Those entrails taken out and dried, 
Whose sounds ye never could abide, 
Shall leave the streets of old * Abo> a. 
And be exported to Cremona ; 
There to be made to fiddle strings, 
And re-imported — precious things : — 
Then when some Linbley shall extract 
The very self-same, and exact 
Toues, ye were wont so to despise, 
For extacy ye'll wink your eyes, 
Each critic, exquisite, and zany, 
As if herself great Catalani 
Were singing 'fore the Dilettanti, 
Rossini's elegant " di tatiti." — 

Farewell, friend Felix, 'tis high time 
That I should put an end to rhyme ; 
Felices ambo, you and madam, 
Live ye as long as Eve and Adam ; 
— No disrespect to your L^etitia — 
I think you should have wed Felicia,! 
Who holds such musical sweet parley, 
In th' columns of your weekly Farley. 

* Antient name of Bristol. 

f Felicia Hemans, the sweetest of Poetesses. Vide Poet's 
corner of Felix Farlfy, passim. 



133 

But as folks say what is, must be — 

—I wish ye all felicity. 

Now should you think me somewhat long, 

And that I sing a Cheviot song ; 

I offer Juvenal's excuse, 

Who tells us ink was made for use, 

*To spare the perishable ream 

That of all follies 'tis extreme. 

The poor Franciscan, who with cord 

Teaches his back to praise the Lord 

For all the stripes, that may remit 

The sins his tongue or hands commit, 

Reminds me, that perchance my back, 

If more I write may share a smack ; 

And dancing to no pleasant tune is 

To change one's finis miofunisA 

* Furor est periturae parcere chartse. 
f A rope. 



THEMANINTHEMOON. 



NOTES. 



NOTES. 



Note A. p. 62. 

Or do they, like great Garagantua, 
Swallow the churches (though the peoples) 
And pick their teeth with all the steeples* 



This year the great Wullypullypuffle was 
chosen Reeve of Cacopolis; he was the sixteenth 
cousin to the most renowned Pantagruel. In him 
were thought to be revived the bulk and magnitude 
of the ancient giants from whom he descended. 
Though mankind have much degenerated since 
the days of Atlas, and Briareus with one hundred 
hands; yet was this Wullypullypuffle worthy the 
antient stock ; and historians say, that when he died 
and ascended to the 27th Heaven, he was so vast, 
that attempting to take his stand between Virgo and 
Scorpio (which latter had before, according to Vir- 
gil, contracted his claws to admit Julius Cassar) he 
crushed the great toe of Hercules, and did much 
damage to the scales of Libra ; which is considered 
by the College of Astrologians as the true cause, that 
the balance of Justice is so apt to lean on one side. 



138 

There is still preserved of him his Cap, and his 
Sword which he used to stick in his girdle ; and 
though so large that it can with difficulty be lifted 
by mortal hands, it was to him but as a Plaything, 
the page to hisDurlindana, which was afterwards pre- 
sented to Orlando Furioso, and became so renown- 
ed for its many famous exploits. The huge weapon 
is to this day carried before the Reeve or Mayor in 
honor of the memory of so great a man, and in 
terrorem to all little ones. To bear this sword an 
officer of tried metal is specially appointed, deno- 
minated the Sword-Bearer, who in consideration of 
his weighty charge, is generally allowed a seat in 
the same carriage with the Mayor himself. The 
afore-mentioned cap is likewise, even to this day, 
conspicuously placed in the Courts of Justice, to 
signify the judicial Cap a city, which it formerly 
covered. Though some antiquarians will by no 
means allow, that it could have been the cap of 
Wullypullypuffle, seeing it must have been far too 
small for him, even in his infancy ; and further add, 
that if it was, like Fortunatus's, it has lost its 
virtue. 

This year, as I before stated, Wullypullypuffle 
being chosen Reeve of Cacopolis, a certain valu- 
able ecclesiastical benefice fell vacant, which he 
disposed of to his own satisfaction, in a manner 
truly worthy his generous, disinterested spirit. 
When the forty-three members of the Fraternity 
of Cacopolis met together to discuss this matter, 
every one was for conferring it upon his own rela- 
tives, from the nearest of kin to the 75th Welch 
cousin. And although Bluebottom, recently elect- 
ed into their order, gravely asked, if there might 
not possibly be some deserving citizen upon whom 



139 

they might bestow it; — one duly qualified by piety 
and learning; — the suggestion was coughed down, 
and the offending member called to order for mak- 
ing a proposal so inexpedient^ and so contrary to 
the usage, and by-laws, and rules of the Wor- 
shipful Body. — Wullypullypuffle put an end to 
this discussion by the following short, pithy, and 
persuasive speech : — " Hem ! hey ! My Masters, 
what ! hey ! my Masters, hey ! hem ! Leave this 
business to me, I say leave it to me, and I will dis- 
pose of this benefice myself; or you will never be 
represented by gentlemen of authority more. Don't 
pretend to be ignorant ; hem ! hey ! upon what 
conditions I condescended to fill this office. You 
well know, there have been so many skinners and 
tanners among ye, that the great magisterial civic 
mansion became rumfusticated with the odour of 
their unsavoury callings. The very horses snorted 
a natural antipathy as they passed it, happy to 
escape with a whole skin. Hence it had such an 
ill name, that it was easier to levy fines than have 
the office served. Whereupon, in this your dis- 
tress, I, W^ullypullypufHe, honourably stepped 
forth to preserve your dignity -, and calling in four 
dozen of the best scourers and perfumers, I found 
it would cost, upon the lowest estimate, fourteen 
hundred and thirty-three crowns and a half to 
cleanse, purify, and sweeten the same, which 
as the law, de sumptu civili et de dilapidationibus, 
saith, would rightly fall upon you. All which, 
however, I offered to defray at my own proper 
charge, provided, ****** 

* #*** * * * * * 

Now you all know, you gave assent to this, * 

* * *** * * * *-* 



140 

Den) it if you will, and by the soul of ray great 
ancestor Garagantua, I will hang up in the public 
hall the maggoty ass's skin, which the scourers found 
under the cushion of the great Magisterial Chair, 
and have the names of every mother's son of ye 
painted on it in vulgar sheep's ochre and vitriol, 
that all the soap lees of your fraternity shall never 
eradicate your disgrace. — Now is this small matter 
at my disposal or not? Hey ! hem ! my Masters V 
Upon this eloquent speech Kissbreech and Humble- 
mumble threw up their caps, shouting " Long live 
Wullypullypuffle the Great !" So none durst say 
no. Whereupon the whole company walked to 
the great church of St. ****** to sing Te Deum, 
The entrance to which they found blocked up with 
1500 baskets of loaves, the accumulation of the 
revenues of the said benefice. This made Wully- 
pullypuffle laugh very heartily. " Call me not an 
Episcopalian," quoth he, " if I know not how to 
find the key hole of a church door." Whereupon, 
ordering his chaplain Graziosopioso, who stood 
or bent forward, like a new-dubbed Baccalaureus 
Artium at his left ankle to say short grace, he at one 
mouthful ate about 107 loaves, be the same more 
or less, and swallowed all down without making a 
bite ; which so terrified Kissbreech and Humble- 
mumble, that in their fright, not knowing what 
they did, they crept into one of the baskets, just as 
Wullypullypuffle had his grasp upon it; they 
were, therefore, tossed into his mouth, together 
with 126 loaves. They had just time to creep on 
one side to escape the great gulph, and set up a 
monstrous cry. — "What a singing have I in my 
ear," said Wullypullypuffle, " I must physic for 
this cold in mv head." But at that instant Kiss- 



141 

breech, creeping into a hollow tooth, touched the 
nerve with the projection of his knees, as he lay 
huddled up within; which caused Wullypully- 
puffle to spit, and he spat out Humblemunible 
upon the ground, and so hurt his back bone, that 
he was never afterwards able to walk upright. 
But Wullypullypuffle, being still in an agony of 
pain, and looking round for something sharp for 
a toothpick, and observing the steeple standing 
in the middle of the tower of the church of St. 
****##, he with one turn of his wrist wrenched 
it off, and probing his tooth with the sharp end, 
ran the weathercock into Kissbreech's eye, and 
picked him out, to the astonishment and merri- 
ment of all beholders. It was a miracle, that 
the weathercock did not entirely destroy the sight 
of Kissbreech's eye, but he certainly could never 
after look straight. Hence it came to be a com- 
mon saying, that one, who so looked, has a cock 
in his eye. — Wullypullypuffle being now delivered 
from his pain, the chaplain Graziosopioso, raising 
his proboscis to an angle of forty-five degrees, and 
albificating his oculars, ejaculated, " Agimus tibi 
gratias" which so pleased Wullypullypuffle, that 
he chucked him the remaining basket of loaves, 
crying out at the same sime, " Well done my little 
Chanticleer of the Church, by my thumb, but you 
shall have ******* 
* * ** ***** 

The steeple having served its office as a tooth- 
pick, fell out of his hand, and was broke off about 
three-parts from the top. The city architects, 
masons, carpenters, bricklayers and plasterers, 
"Were long in Consultation what to do with it, and all 
agreeing that it would look ridiculous placed in 



142 



the centre, its old position, thus mutilated of its 
fair proportion, they stuck it on one side, where one 
of the pinnacles should be, and there it remains, as 
all may see, to this day, like the small extinguisher 
to a rushlight, attempting to overtop the magnifi- 
cent holy candle Ecclesice Sancti Michaelis. 



Chronicles of the Kings of Brentford, 

Vol. 24, page 43S. 



Note B. p. 76. 

Deucalion thus, by throwing stones, 
liais'd up a progeny of bones. 



This fable, which probably owes its origin to the 
flood, has given rise to innumerable and still greater 
monstrosities ; I have met with one so whimsical 
and curious, that I am tempted to give an exact 
copy of it. But as the matter is passing strange, 
and the world is little satisfied with less than most 
minute particulars, and for aught I know, 1 may 
be called upon for them, when it may be inconveni- 
ent to come before the public, (for I have already 
had this critical battery fired at me, and have been 
the suspected Author of a History as true as this, 
which I did not write) I shall, as briefly as I can, 
state how this historical treasure came into my 
hands. 



143 

Some time in the winter of 1784, being then at 
my lodgings in Queen-square, and extending my 
lucubrations to a late hour, it became necessary 
to remove the paper rings which effected the union 
between the long sixes, and the sockets of a pair 
of large brass candlesticks, of somewhat antique 
shape, which were usually put before me. In re- 
moving the paper, I was much surprised to find some 
Latin words upon it, and was particularly struck 
with the word Bristoliensis. I read with avidity 
a few lines, when the flame expiring left me in the 
dark, and without means of throwing further light 
upon the subject. Suffice it to say, that upon due 
enquiry and search, I found a mutilated MS. which 
my landlady told me had belonged to a poor old 
Dutch gentleman, who had died suddenly in her 
house about five years before that time. How 
was I surprised, when I found the MS. to be a His- 
tory of Bristol, written in Latin, by one Van- 
dergeldtpenzegetten, formerly of Amsterdam. 

As I before said, the MS. is considerably mutilat- 
ed, yet there is much curious, and I trust valuable 
matter remaining ; and though the author some- 
what deals in the marvellous, there is reason to 
hope, that the work which I purpose to translate 
and lay before the public, will bear successful com- 
petition with the equally valuable Memoirs of the 
City, now publishing by the very learned Author ; 
and if it cannot cope with that work in fancy, I 
do trust it will be found of equal merit in point of 
veracity, which after all, is, if not the most agree- 
able, the best virtue of an Historian. The narra- 
tive which I propose to extract is an Historical 
Account of the miraculous emersion of Queen- 
square from an impenetrable bog — it runs thus. 



144 

" It happened in the year of our Lord, (here 
maledictce sint tinece^ the worms have shown their 
enmity or perhaps their liking to dates, for like the 
merchant in the Arabian tales, they have dined 
upon them) one Nathaniel Splidt, of Amster- 
dam, merchant, being bound for Bristol, his ship 
was cast away upon some rocks in the Channel, 
called, the Bishop and his Clerks. Fortunately 
for Splidt, or it were with more propriety, to say 
unfortunately, he was not drowned, but sticking 
to a j utting point of rock, he remained in this mise- 
rable condition the whole night, the storm con- 
tinually increasing, hooting and howling about 
him : Splidt was a prudent man and not easily 
frightened. At dawn of day, he perceived some- 
thing floating towards him ; on nearer approach he 
discovered it to be a large chest, to which a black 
figure clung, keeping his head just above water. As 
Splidt, when necessity required, never objected to 
lie two in a bed, and as he hoped by these means to 
land in safety at the nearest port, he did not refuse 
the solicitations of it's possessor to become joint- 
tenant ; wherefore, by a vigorous effort, he gained 
the chest, just as it was passing the rock, to which 
he had so long stuck almost petrified, not unlike 
a crost oyster out of his bed. 

" The new vessel bore her freight tolerably well ; 
for some time they went on swimmingly, though 
Splidt had little reason to be pleased with his ' co- 
partner in exile,' who continually uttered the most 
horrible imprecations, staring all the while in the 
face of Splidt, with an aspect becoming every 
moment more diabolical. But a circumstance 
very soon occurred, which convinced the poor 
merchant, that for the first time in his life, he was 



145 

trading on the same bottom with the Devil him- 
self. For the tide carrying them up the River 
Avon, as they were passing Pyle or Pill, a very 
goodly spire stood in view, upon a little rising 
ground, very near the water's edge. Now it is as- 
serted in the Opus Merlini of Coccaeus, in his De 
Arte Diabolicd, that a church spire has such 
power of attraction, that the Devil can never ap- 
proach within a certain distance of one, without 
danger of being nailed to it fast as it's clock. And 
it was an incident of this kind which happened at 
Nurenberg, which gave rise to the odious Proverb, 
• the nearer the church the farther from good.' 

"At sight of this spire, therefore, the Devil was 
not a little terrified, like the third Calendar at sight 
of the Black Mountain ; and in attempting to 
stick close to the chest by drawing his legs under it, 
he gave a sort of Somerset half out of the water, 
shewing to his astonished companion his cloven 
foot and the whisk of an enormous tail. There was, 
however, little occasion for fear, as the spire was 
nothing more than a Pigstye Ornee*, and though an 
attraction for many a tenant in tail, had no power 
over the tenant in possession of the chest. But the 
Devil himself is sometimes off his guard. After 
this they were borne rapidly up the Avon, until 
they were deposited in a Marsh, then called Queen's 
Marsh, having the City of Bristol within a stone's 
throw behind it. Here Splidt thought to escape, 
but the Devil spitting through his teeth (a diaboli- 
cal accomplishment still practised by some of our 

* Since printing this Note, the Author has sent us a more 
descriptive account of this pigstye, which will be found in the 
note next following. — Editor, 



146 



gentry) there sprang up at some distance around 
them, in rows, and at an instant, tall goodly trees, 
swaying about their vast arms, like scythes. These 
trees remain to this day, and are still, a scandalum 
magnatum, great encouragers of the Devil's works. 
Besides this, the Devil made use of many other 
arts to detain poor Splidt, whom, though of known 
integrity, he long held captive, nor would he allow 
him to redeem his liberty on any other terms than 
the selling himself in reversion. 

" Seven years did the Devil and Splidt remain 
here night and day, squat upon the Marsh, in close 
argumentation, before the treatv was struck, assign- 
ing to the Devil the merchant," soul and body,°in 
perpetuity." — 

Having by me a full account, written by Splidt 
himself, I could detail at some length many of the 
conversations, which were carried on in low Dutch ; 
but I will on no account meddle with the Devil's 
arguments, fearing they may be too many and too 
strong for some weak minds ; and I would not 
willingly have to combat them myself, being warned 
by the old Proverbs,— " Good words break no 
bones;"— "Scratch my breech and I'll claw your 
elbow;"— 4 ' An idle brain is the Devil's shop." I 
shall, therefore, deem it sufficient to say, that poor 
Splidt at last yielded, having made the best bargain 
he could, and the contract was ratified between 
them; and what may now appear strange, was 
signed and sealed without the presence of an at- 
torney, as this profession arc generally reckoned 
indispensable in such cases and with such clients. 

In this treaty, Splidt bargained for the entire 
possession of this Marsh in fee for ever ; which said 
Marsh had, during this space seven of years, under- 



147 

gone a most wonderful change. For the whole of 
the time being spent in dry controversy, it became 
advisable to examine the contents of the chest, 
which was found to contain 18 gallons of rum, 4000 
lemons, an unascertained quantity of sugar, and a 
very pretty assortment of pipes and tobacco. 

Splidt took naturally to the latter, and of the 
other ingredients the Devil manufactured a beve- 
rage, called Punash, Punish, or Punch. These 
ingredients were no sooner used, than by his 
wonderful art, they were renewed, for this chest 
was very unlike Pandora's box, both as to it's con- 
tents, and that something better than hope was at 
the bottom. Now as whole days and nights were 
passed in incessant arguing, drinking, and smoking, 
drinking, smoking, and arguing, the merchant 
putting aside his opponent's arguments with a puff, 
obfuscating his own into vapour, and the Devil 
strengthening his by a well directed Punch in his 
antagonist's belly ; it follows, that an immense 
quantity of tobacco was smoked, and Punch drank, 
whereof the lemon-peel strewed on the ground, 
fairly filled up the Marsh, which, it's vapours being 
rectified by the fumigation, and the moisture dried 
up by the heat of the Devil's posteriors, became a 
dry and very likely piece of ground. 

Besides the above-mentioned condition, Splidt 
further bargained, that the Devil should furnish 
the spot with proper and suitable edifices, ac- 
cording to a plan drawn out by Splidt himself, and 
that he should fill every house and warehouse so 
edificated, with good and punctual tenants to pay 
rent to Splidt and to his heirs for ever. All this 
was effected in the following manner. The Devil 
taking the broken tobacco pipes, fixed them per- 



148 

pendicularly in the ground ; from these in a short 
time arose very fair and noble edifices. Then 
spitting upon the lemon-pips, he put them also in 
the earth, first making a hole with his little finger, 
and treading in the soil again with his cloven foot. 
It was not long ere a notable number of ready- 
made merchants, true terra filii sprang from the 
hot bed like human mushrooms. These, upon the 
terms specified and leases drawn, took possession of 
their new habitations, and exercised an industry in 
their vocation truly worthy their origin. 

Hence it came to pass, that Splidt became one of 
the richest merchants of the city, and in process of 
time the Splidtites, the AutoxSove? splitting into 
many families, much increased, and obtained at 
first influence, then dominion over the city and 
its affairs ; and it is said all of this race (as of the 
o» 5/7ra£T(H, orserpent men, formerly among theThe- 
bans) are easily distinguishable for having still a 
spice of the devil in them. It is said also, that the 
most respectable citizens have been driven out by 
these Splidtites, and like the Plebeians of Rome, 
have retired to Clifton as their Mons sacer, and 
that the Splidtites. reigning in uncontrouled au- 
thority, have by virtue of the above-mentioned 
contract claimed certain dues as belonging to them, 
unknown to the former inhabitants, and highly in- 
jurious to the interests of the city. 

Now lest this most true historical narrative 
should seem incredible, it may be proper to add, 
that while all this contracting, bargaining, edificat- 
ing, &c. was going on, the Inhabitants of Bristol 
knew nothing of the matter, for the Devil has many 
ways of carrying on his works, without the cogni- 
zance of bye-standers, to whom such things as he 



140 

chooses to perform, are either altogether invisible, 
or appear to be the ordinary operations of nature, 
or the works of the heads and hands of mankind. 
But those pious people who are fully aware of 
Satanic power, and are versed in the mysteries of 
the great Jacob Behmen, will not in the least de- 
gree doubt the fact. Tradition says, that the spot, 
where the Devil fixed his seat, was where the pre- 
sent Custom-house stands, and it is believed there 
are still subterranean passages and vaults wherein 
he sometimes brews — mischief no doubt — and that 
by these he holds evil communication subversive 
of good manners, with the Custom-house, Mansion- 
house, and sundry other places I will not mention. 
And it is still moreover gravely asserted by some, 
that on every Saturday night at twelve o'clock 
precisely, he enters into the siatue of King Wil 
liam (since erected in the centre of the square) and 
that the horse, though of hard metal, there and 
then, may be seen to turn his tail to the Custom- 
house, fling out his heels and — here is an hiatus 
maximi defter) dus. 

It may be worthy of remark, that before this 
time, there was no such parish as St. Nicholas. 
The Patron Saint was St. Leonard, who, by the 
nic-naming iniquity of the Splidtites, was thus 
forced into copartnership with Old Nick ; and it 
was not until the later times of a pious vicar of the 
parish, remarkable for his success in mollyfying the 
ferocious manners of the fish venders upon the 
Back, that in compliment to him, and their patron 
saint, (the familiar of the fishes,) as it were by uni- 
versal ostracism, Old Nick was changed to St.Nick. 
which the more grave and discreet parishoners have 
happily converted into St. Nicholas 



150 

Here follows another hiatus, an injury to some 
extent ; at the end of the leaf are these words. — 
" Thus was effected the building of Queen-square, 
and its wonderful emersion, through diabolical 
agency, from an impenetrable marsh." 



The Note on the Pigstye, referred to in p. 145. 

Every one has heard of the celebrated Peter 
Wilkin s; it was an immediate descendant of his, 
one Geoffrey Wilkins, who like his great pro- 
genitor left his native home in search of a new 
world. He embarked at Cardiff in Wales, landed 
and settled in Pill (since the days of Madoc the 
Ultima Thule of the Welsh). He did not, like 
iEneas under similar circumstances, expect to find, 
so brought his pig with him. He is said to have 
been the first who taught the inhabitants of Bristol 
to eat roasters, for before his time they had thought 
of nothing more than of saving their bacon. By 
this, and the prolific quality of his sow, being a par- 
simonious man, he rose to considerable wealth, and 
erected this spire over the edifice appropriated to 
his sow, in honour of his favourite, as a monument 
for her both living and dead ; which monument* 
has been constantly kept in repair by the posterity 
of the said Geoffry Wilkins, one of whom, a pious 
Divine, and learned in the languages, has decorated 
the cenotaph with an inscription facetiously said 
to be worthy so litter&ry a character. On a neat 

* From this spiral erection is doubtless derived the common 
saying that every voyager bound for Bristol, when he enters 
the Avon, is sure to have a stye in his eye. 



151 



tablet is represented the said Geoffrey Wilkins in 
a kneeling posture, offering a garland, round which 
is entwined a scroll, with the following line, expres- 
sive of her prolific quality and place of residence, 
(commonly all that need be said on similar occa- 
sions) and an admirable example of epitaphic 
simplicity. The line is from Homer. 

" That Bard Divine 
" Who made his heroes ministers to swine. Old Pokm. 

H Je UvXe Soca-iXtva-E rtxsv ^e 01 ayXccoc tekvo. 

" She was the very best of swine that Pill could ever boast, 
" And when she pigg'd a litter, all her roasters rul'd the 
roast. Hog, Translator. 

Beneath is a very singular inscription, which has 
long puzzled the learned and curious to decypher; 
it has led to much controversy, and many various 
readings have been proposed. It is in the Greek 
character, nuts to the critics, and Greek to all the 
world.* Professor Porson employed much time 
upon it, but his conjectures are unsatisfactory, 
deserving, indeed, the severe censure of the very 
erudite Dr. Goodenough, of our City School, who 
in his preface to his treatise upon this morsel of 
literature, makes this remark — 

" Hie Porsonus porcine somniayit." 

Ag ik^X iv o yocfjum 
Ny A$vi$ cup £ E & 
To qov &a,i 
Ei/£s*f u yu bitts ys. 



152 

Dr. Goodenough has very ingeniously conjec- 
tured it to be in imitation of a chorus in Euripides, 
and has thus translated it: — 

" Quickly alas ! has not death, your spouse, too 
truly marrying you, lick'd your blood, alas! alas! 
alas ! woe is me ! Or tell me, do you but sleep V 

This marriage of Death, he observes, with Mr. 
Wilkins's sow, is in the manner of the true pathos 
of the Greek drama: the w o yxpuv the Dr. thinks 
is a sort of repetition, to do away the suspicion of 
bundling, a suspicion so very likely to arise in the 
mind of a Welchman. 

The learned Dr. does not pass any high eulogium 
on the Greek, which, however, he thinks a pretty 
fair specimen, as coming from the College of St. 
David's. 

The ingenuity of the reverend and learned Doctor 
reminds us too nearly of the discovery of good 
and true Irish in the Carthaginian sentence from 
Plautus ; but with all due deference to the Doctor's 
accurate knowledge of Greek and acumen, I 
should suspect the whole to be English disguised 
under Greek character; for it is a very common 
practice to conceal fulsome praise in epitaphs un- 
der characters unknown to the vulgar, as if the 
dead had a prescriptive right to the dead lan- 
guages. 

If the reader will take into consideration that 
Mr. Wilkins, probably both wrote and spoke 
English in the Welch dialect, and bear in mind 
the appropriate figure offering the garland above 
alluded to, he will, I think, agree with me that 
this literary enigma may be thus solved: — 



153 



SOW, SOW, 
TAKE OUR POSIES 

FEW, FEW 
ARE LIKE YOU, O GAMMON t 
NOW AD AYS, AYE ME ! 
TOO SOON, O, WHY 
YOU DIE SO, MY PIGGY. 

SOT SOY 
TAX' OY AP' nOXIS 

<I>EY <J>EY 
AP* EAEIX' EY O TAMON 
NY AAH2 AIM' EEE 
TO SON OYAI 
EYAEI2 a M 5 EinE TE. 



154 



Mr. Editor, 

The foregoing extract and notes are somewhat 
long, but as they relate to my native city, they may 
be esteemed of value in your paper ; I had intended 
to have read the whole narrative at the Philosophi- 
cal and Literart Institution m Park-street, enter- 
taining some hope that I might be elected Honorary 
Professor of History. But finding the whole learned 
and scientific body raving about Queen Nekocoptis 
and her Hieroglyphics, lhad little room to expect 
they would have any relish for the simple food of 
matters of fact. I cannot but admire their learned 
and useful research by which they have made the 
valuable discovery, that the antient Egyptians wore 
their own hair, and had nails upon their toes and 
fingers. 

Nor can I hope, that when their hooks are in the 
flesh pots of Egypt, they will digest the plain fare 
of sober History ; and I am altogether unwilling, 
from m^ extreme modesty, that any thing I can 
can offer should enter into competition with their 
very learned mummery. 

I am, Sir, 
Your most obedient, 

THEMANINTHEMOON. 



155 

Song referred to in p. 97. 
A RIGHT MERRY JOLLY SONG, 

Proposed to be sung by all true drinkers of 
TEA, 



Come all ye jolly dogs, let us take a cup of tea, 
Gunpowder, Hyson, Souchong, and Bohea. 
Your simple water drinkers will never last it long, 
Unless to every pint they add an ounce of good Souchong. 

Versatur omnium XJrna^ tea urn is it not, 
Which means that every mortal man alive must go to pot. 
But we, like true philosophers, philosophise aright, 
Our pot shall always ready be, both morning noon and night, 

I love a jolly bumper, and when I'm in my cups, 

I do not care a fig for life, with all it's downs and ups : 

My wit like a tetoium spins round the more I drink, 

'Tis glorious Congo sets my brain to work and makes me think. 

Why should we prate of Bacchus, and call him God Divine? 
To me his grapes are sour, and sour grapes make sorry wine; 
Don't talk to me of Sherry, Port, or French Frontinac, 
Nor barbarous Barbadoes' rum, nor Brandy Cogniac. 

I'll put no enemy in my mouth to steal away my wit, 
A pot of strong green tea 's the thing alone to freshen it. 
That's the true Balm of Gilead, and not your horrid gin, 
That gin is but a trap that I'll not be taken in. 

L 



■" 



156 

Long live the Chinese empire, the empire of all teas, 
And long live mighty Kaang Kong, Emperor of the Chinese. 
But should he grow exorbitant, why let us all agree, 
To keep him in hot water, till he keeps us in tea. 

.Long live the noble porcelain wall, that winds their land about, 
Preserve the teas all good and fresh and keep the Tartar out. 
No rival may they fear, for tho' we love black tea, 
We'll have no importations from the Emperor of Haytu 

Then come ye jolly dogs, let us take a cup of tea, 
Gunpowder, Souchong, Hyson and Bohea. 
Your simple water drinkers can never hold it long, 
Unless to every pint they add an ounce of good Souchong. 



Note C. p. 81. 

I would that every many that stands 
At easel, had both house and lands, 

" The Ancients, especially all over Greece, were 
desirous to have the children that were nobly 
born, trained up to painting, as an employment 
both honourable and necessary ; and this was re- 
ceived into the first rank of liberal Arts; and after- 
wards slaves were forbid to be taught it by a public 
decree. Among the Romans likewise, it was held in 
great reputation, and hence arose the siruame 
of the noble family of Fabri. For the first Fabrius 
was sirnamed Pictor, because he excelled in the 
art of painting, and was so proud of it, that after 



157 

he had painted the walls of the temple of Health, 
he inscribed his own name ; as supposing, though 
he was descended from so illustrious a family , which 
was honoured with so many titles of consulships 
and triumphs, and other dignities, and numbered 
among the best orators ; yet that he should receive 
additional splendor and give a further ornament to 
his renown, if he transmitted to his posterity the 
remembrance of his being a painter. Nor have 
there been wanting others of noble families, who 
have been celebrated for their skill in this way." 
Castiglione* s Courtier. 



Note D. p. 88. 

And Bird, poor Bird, when will regret 
Ere cease, that such a star is set F 

Bird was a highly gifted man, and soon became 
a very distinguished Artist. Like most of those 
who have been taught to any purpose, he was his 
own teacher ; free in the exercise of his thoughts, 
and untutored in the practice of his hand, he was 
perfectly original. No taint of the imitator is to 
be found throughout the whole course of his 
works ; they are entirely his own both in concep- 
tion and execution ; he followed no model, he had 
no master, nature was his mistress, — at once the 
idol of his love, the object of his imitation, and the 
test of his works. She appears to have done almost 
every thing for him ; study did but little ; and yet 
from the natural quickness of his perceptions, and 
the suggestions of a good heart, his pictures never 



158 

failed to please the eye of the connoisseur, and lo 
stir the sympathies and affections of all who saw 
them. Bird begun his course, and was most success- 
ful, perhaps, in that style of Art, commonly called 
u low life." His pictures however are entirely 
free from any thing gross or offensive, but on the 
contrary are full of genuine humour, amusing, in- 
teresting and affecting circumstances, — full of good 
sense, fine feeling, sentiment, and moral tendency. 
In this class of his works the story is always his 
own, well chosen aud ingeniously told ; the charac- 
ters, incidents, and episodes being the most natural 
and illustrative that could possibly be employed. 
Happy had it been for Bird and his family, had he 
continued to exercise his powers upon such sub- 
jects; but in the latter part of his life he was in- 
duced to leave them, and to give himself up to 
some undertakings, which produced only weariness, 
disappointment and disgust. This tended rapidly 
to affect a constitution already shaken by disease, 
and to shorten a life not less adorned by the social 
virtues, than honored and distinguished by the 
brightest talents. He died, and lies buried in the 
Cloister of the Cathedral of Bristol. The city he 
honored by his residence and exalted by his fame, 
has not thought his remains worth a memorial, so 
that they are yet unmarked by any other, than a 
slight tablet bearing his name and the date of his 
death ! a tribute of pure sorrow and affection, by 
his daughter. 



[J. M. Gutch, Printer, 15, Small-street, Bristol ] 






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